One down...

Another day of work has gone by. I got to scan myself and see Baby again. Each time I see him/her, I can feel my heart swelling with all kinds of emotions. I joke about how Baby kicks and punches, trying to stretch my womb for more space to play in. But with each movement of its tiny little limbs, I stop breathing and I completely melt. It's more than adorable. Just when I think I've come to grips with the incredible, I have to start all over, walking around with my mouth wide open.

So, that makes a total of 1 1/2 days of work this week! It may sound trivial to you, but for someone who's been sick at home for the past 10 weeks, going back to the real world is a big freakin' deal. There was a time during this pregnancy that I truly believed I would never feel better again, that my days of good health and youth were long gone. Silly, I know. But not all of us are as mentally strong as Lance Armstrong. There are those who have cancer, failed limbs, tragic losses in some form or another, and they know they will live and beat the odds. Some of us have dealt with more failures than wins, constantly falling and progressing little. You tell yourself that there is a purpose for each trial and your mind works hard to justify and gain perspective But no matter what, you still fell flat on your face and that pain is so hard to ignore. The frustration that follows makes you weak, leaving you feeling broken and pessimistic.

Then one day you do win. Can it be? You praise God and do the happy dance. You call your friends, make some plans. And all the horrible things you went through quickly get thrown into the back of your mind where it belongs. You get better and, dare I say, stronger. But you know, I don't want to forget. Why would I want those memories to collect dust, when all they do is make the present so much more potent with victory? You can't have a heaven without hell. There is no beauty without ugly. You see where I'm going with this? I don't want to forget. I want the last 10 weeks to sit side-by-side with whatever joy is headed my way.

Someone once said, "Important things are not easy." Why didn't someone say this before!? That truth resonates in my mind everyday. Perhaps nothing before was so important that I needed to keep on. Who knows. Maybe this one victory will change my outlook on all future trials, big or small. I can only pray that when that day comes, and we all know it's coming, I remember how this baby was worth every pain and sacrifice. I hope I remember that important things will have its price, paid only with hardship and determination. So, please, next time I'm sitting there, feeling sorry for myself and whining, flash this post in front of me and tell me to snap the hell out of it!!!

Baby Gone Wild!

I went back to work for the first time in months. I wasn't 100% up to it....after all, there is a new life growing inside of me. But it was time. I needed to get out of the house finally and interact with other people. In just a blink of an eye, I'll be stuck at home with Baby, making funny noises and googley eyes, slowly forgetting how to have a normal adult conversation. So, though it wasn't easy, I'm glad I went and got my feet wet. It's good to be back!

It almost didn't happen though. I had to drive all the way to this mystical land they call Westlake Village. The drive isn't too bad, especially if you leave early enough to beat traffic. On the way there, oy. I did not feel good. I don't know if it was the cramps, the gas, the urge, or just plain nausea. Whatever it was, it was not pleasant and I was an inch from panicking and turning the car around. I have this irrational fear of being ill outside of the home. There's got to be a word for that, right? Anyway, work was great. It was 4 short hours, most of which I spent trying to scan myself. To make it even better, I only had one patient and we talked about pregnancy and labor the whole time! I hope this great work day is a sign from God that I should be going back to work. :)

There's one great advantage to being a sonographer. I get to see Baby anytime I want! Today, Baby was dancing, boxing and kicking. Just like me, Baby is camera-shy and fidgety. I can't tell you how many times he/she kicked my placenta and put it's dukes up to fight. This baby is a Tiger for sure! I just pray that as it gets bigger and my uterus get thinner, it calms down a little and mercifully keeps the kicking to a minimum.

In this photo, it sort of looks like Baby is panning for gold or looking for a contact. But it was actually stretching its legs out. It's kind of cramped in there, I must admit.

Here's a photo of Baby's feet. Aren't they cute? The look like they have high arches, like daddy's.

Do not read if you have a weak stomach.

I don't even know where to begin. These last few months have been interesting? No, no...Interesting is too benign a word. What's the word for a roller coaster ride that's so bumpy and nauseating that the only part you enjoy is when the restraint bar is finally lifted?? I'm 15 weeks pregnant. Don't worry, I knew much earlier than this. In fact, I knew the day I missed my period. It was one of those thoughts that sneak in as you're wondering "why" and then you just can't shake the theory. My heart was pounding, and I mean like Edgar Allen Poe pounding. I thought it would wake the whole household!

I've been wanting to document my experiences since awhile back, but I just wasn't up to it. I wasn't up to doing much of anything. In order to explain this, I'll have to start from the beginning. I suggest you get some wine and your Snuggie. This is going to be a very long post.

So, I've always had this fear that I could not have children. I think it's a common fear among women. But I was convinced (probably due to some self-defense mechanism) that I was barren and could never provide my husband with offspring. At least not with my DNA. But even with this fear intact, I did hope. It was just a fear after all, completely unsupported with any actual evidence. So, in saying this, I thought that if I ever did get pregnant, I would be able to plan some elaborate, memorable way of revealing this great news to my husband.

Well, I don't know what happened to those plans, because even without taking a pregnancy test, I told my him I was pregnant. It was only a hunch but sometimes, you just know. I even woke him up! It was Friday, so it's okay. He was much calmer than I was. And God bless him for not telling me that I was crazy or overreacting. I think the hunchmonster bit him, too. So, before getting too excited, we decided to wait exactly one week before taking a home pregnancy test. If my period is one week late, drug store, here I come!!!

Obviously, we knew before the week was up. I'm as regular as Swiss clockwork. One week later, that Friday night, we were pregnant! Shocked and pregnant. May I say that we are still shocked and pregnant. Shocked because we didn't plan for this at all. In fact, P and I even had a discussion about starting a family and how we were ready. Little did I know, we had already started!! Maybe this baby is psychic.

Fast forward a week. I was happy, excited, nervous...all that good stuff. I'm thinking to myself how this is going to be so much fun and how I will wait until the first trimester is in the clear to tell everyone. Well, this was only true if I didn't see you...ever. The heartburn hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so bad and painful, I was convinced I had never experienced heartburn before and that all those other times were just my imagination. Ouch! and gross! are the words I use to describe what it felt like. And to make matters worse, I was at work when this happened. Tums did nothing. It was like throwing my pen cap at an oncoming train. Along with the heartburn was this desperate urge to go pee. Which is fine if it weren't every 30 minutes!! I must've looked ridiculous, hopping around like that. I kept wondering if you could see Depends through scrubs and are they expensive. But what hit me the hardest was the fatigue. Oh my Lord! was I tired. After every patient, I needed to sit down and put my legs up. Is it going to be like this for the entire 9 months?!

Four days of this went by. Naturally, I was already complaining. My body was fighting a war and losing. Fast. But even then, I was happy because I wasn't sick. Well, I spoke too soon. Wednesday night, after work, I threw up. Ah! the joys of regurgitation. I thought...at least I'll have abs of steel from all the heaving. Boy, did I heave. It would go something like this....

Oh, I feel sick.

Really sick.

I think I'm going to throw up.

(2 hours pass)

I think I'm going to throw up.

I think I'm going to throw up.

(30 more minutes)

Seriously, I'm going to.

Uh oh.

Move out the way!

Heave!

Yuck.

Heave!

(tears)

Heave!

Why isn't anything coming out?

Heave!

Stop it already.

Heave!

Ow, did I just hit my head on the toilet?!

This is how it usually went. I felt so sick that I couldn't eat anything. Therefore, there wasn't much to throw up. It was a combination of dry heaving and mucus. Sometimes, a pool of stomach acid would find its way up. One word...ouch. And I actually did get a bruise from constantly hitting my head on the toilet. That's how strong the gagging was. After a while, I realized, vomiting isn't the enemy. Nausea is. It comes in waves. Really strong, heat-filled waves. Each time, I could feel the all the muscles in my neck and back, preparing for the inevitable vomitfest, kind of like when you're body prepares for you to lift weights. As I'm sure you've read, "morning" sickness is a misnomer. You're sick...all freakin day. In fact, I feel worse as the day goes on.

Oh, but that's not all, folks. Did I mention I salivate like a geyser when I'm conscious? Yeah. Unless I'm in lalaland, I have to spit into a Dixie cup every few minutes. Disgusting doesn't even cut it. It's not your normal saliva. That would just be too easy. My saliva is this bubbly, sap-like mess that keeps its form even after 10 minutes! Who knows, maybe even longer than that. By then, I'm on to filling a new cup.

What else. Food aversion. Food and smell aversion. If it weren't for this, I probably wouldn't have told my parents that I was pregnant until much later. But seeing as how we live with them, there was no way around it. I couldn't have my mom cooking anymore. It would be...I don't even want to think about it. So for the last 2 months, there has been absolutely no cooking in our kitchen. My poor folks and my husband have been eating...in the garage. I know. It's sad, but also funny, right? Right there, in the middle of 30 years of junk and clutter, they eat, one by one, staring at boxes on shelves. Meanwhile, I get to lay comfortably on the couch, in a warm house, with TV. Oh wait, did I say comfortable? I haven't been comfortable since January!!!!

Anyway, yeah...everything smells gross. Most things taste gross. But what I wasn't prepared for was how strange the texture of food has become. For instance, biting into an apple was like biting into a cookie. There was no juicy crunch. Just a crumbly mess. I can't even taste sugar anymore. How cruel is that! I can barely taste salt. Instead, I can taste minerals and yeast and all the disgusting preservatives that are usually so well-hidden. It's awful. My own tongue has betrayed me.

Anyone who has ever been really constipated knows how awful it is. So I won't go into too much detail. You're welcome. I just want to say that they should invent something you can attach to the toilet so that your legs don't get numb. Because by the time you are ready to get up from what feels like hours, your legs don't work and you end up looking like a newborn giraffe.

I'll also spare the details about headaches, skin dryness, dizziness, bloating, etc. Let's face it. In comparison to the above, these aren't that bad.

With each week that goes by, a little bit of my old self gets restored. All of the above is slowly becoming a distant memory. NOT!!! Are you kidding me? I only wish someone could do that spell from Harry Potter where you forget what you just saw. That would be most welcomed. But seeing as how none of you are wizards, I'll just have to wait for baby to arrive and hope that immense joy I'll be feelng will miraculously make this first trimester a distant memory. So, hustle baby! Mommy and daddy can't wait to see you!

Bug Love Friday

My mom would kill me if she knew I posted this on the web. So to all 3 of our readers, please don't tell her. :)

My mom must really have wanted a grandchild because she treats our little Buggie like a little baby. It's hilarious! I don't think she can help herself. Forehead to forehead, she closes her eyes and cuddles with him. She talks about him to other people, bragging about how smart and funny he is. When she comes home from work, we get a mere hello while the dog gets greeted with praises and treats. Are we jealous? Do we think this is odd behavior? Heck no! We understand the magnitude of this little dog's charisma. We are all under his spell. And you will be, too.

New Edition..I mean, New Addition!!!

Is it just me, or does my placenta look big?

That's right, folks! We're having a baby! Trust me, no one is in more shock than P and I. It wasn't planned, but it's something we've always wanted. At some point in the future, that is.

But we're not complaining. In fact, the timing couldn't be more perfect. So many of our friends are expecting as well. It almost makes me think they pumped something into the water. Fertilizer, maybe? LOL! I kill me! Hey, I've been miserable for months now, so cut me some slack.

I've barely survived the first trimester with the help of my superman husband, my tireless mom, and drugs. Yeah, I said it. I would still be crying if I didn't have some pharmaceutical aid. But I'm slowly passing that horrid stage and beginning to really enjoy this pregnancy. I don't get to eat much still and I wish my nose was broken, but otherwise, I'll survive. That is, until the weather starts heating up and I get hugely huge. But I don't wanna think about that now.

Moving on. Like I said, we have a few good friends we are also expecting. Our due dates are frightening close to each other. It's going to be crazy! I bet if we all got together, it would look like an alien species of fat asian women have taken over the earth. Do I hear new TV series? I feel like we're the luckiest bunch of friends there could be. It's amazing to have such a miracle granted, but to have your closest friends be able to literally share the experience with you is even better. It's like winning the lottery at the same time! Separate lotteries, of course. Kekeke.

I can't type as fast as my thoughts occur. In the end, I always conclude with the feeling of bliss. And that's all that really matters, right?

Let there be peace...and lights!

And the grand prize for most creative Christmas lights goes to this house. We saw it on the news a couple of weeks ago and thought...that's soooo cool!! It's in Santa Clarita and totally worth the drive. If you tune into the radio station advertised in front of the house, you can hear the music the coincide with the guitar hero light show. So much fun!!!

Wakefield Court...what a magical place this is. The line of cars waiting to get into this neighborhood was ridiculous!

Community....a lost concept to most. But here, they make it work. Very inspirational.

Bug was very popular in his winter coat.

Where do people find these cute lawn decorations?

Looks like gumdrops! Lots of yummy, little gumdrops!

We hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!! And may we all have a blessed new year!

A little independence......

I turn 32 years old today!! I know it's customary to be dreary about such an occasion...you know, getting older. But I just don't feel that way. I was never one to think that I would live a long life. Now before you start, it's not because I'm a pessimist. But how can you really know? I drive by car accidents everyday on my long commute. And often times, my patients are very sick and very young. So you just can't assume that you're next birthday guaranteed. If anything, I feel lucky. I get to be a year older. And I always tell P, I can't wait to be old and wrinkly with him. It's what I always wish for.

For my birthday, my sweet P sent me to Portland. I've always wanted to visit our northern neighbor. Take in the greenery, breathe the clean air, drink the good water...all that good stuff. I stayed at the ever-so-chic Nines hotel. It's adjacent to Pioneer Square, which contains their version of Rodeo Drive. Of course, I didn't know this until my train pulled away to go back to the airport. What can I say? I didn't walk in that direction!

Everything was Tiffany blue and taupe. So fun.

Here's the view of the atrium from my room. The upper portion of the photo shows the hotel's restaurant Urban Farmer. At night, this whole place is buzzing and you can hear the martini and wine glasses clinking until the wee hours.

I don't remember eating very many meals on this trip. Perhaps I ate too many Southwest peanuts. But when I was able to, I took advantage of the many food carts that were spread out throughout the Portland area. Cheap and good, folks. And unlike the ones here in LA, these carts don't move about and Twitter locale updates. As if we had time to chase them around anyway.

I knew it was supposed to be cold in Portland. But I left a cold and rainy Los Angeles, so I wasn't feeling the chill until I saw this frozen pond in one the urban parks.

Poor weeds. They didn't stand a chance.

I spent a great deal of my funds on this lovely stuff. You see, it's a lot colder in...well, everywhere else than it is in LA. People in these colder states actually knit to stay warm. Which, in turn, makes their yarn shops sooooo much better!! For those of you who can't understand why anyone would be so excited about such a strange and antiquated hobby....well, I don't understand spending $500 for a purse or pair of shoes. Both of which I toss into the corner when I get home.

Lastly, I got shot by some Stormtroopers on my way back to the hotel. Apparently, Ewoks are raised by human mothers with juice boxes.