Inflation: Part IV

How excited am I!?!?! There are no words that can encompass what I am feeling inside. With 2 1/2 more weeks to go, the anticipation levels in this house have risen to an all time high. Or maybe it's just in my head. But regardless...I'M SOOOO EXCITED!!!! Baby is almost here. I know I'm going to miss being pregnant. P keeps reminding me of that every time I say that I can't wait until he's out. Of course I'll miss it! You will never have a closer bond with another person than when they are in your womb. I'll miss all the belly dances, especially when I eat something sweet. I'll miss the rhythmic thumping of Baby's hiccups. I'll even miss the way I look. I know most women cannot wait until they shed the baby pounds, but I'm in no rush. I've always been chubby, so that's old news to me. This outrageously fake-looking baby bump has been so entertaining to me and P. This whole pregnancy is still a shock to us, since it wasn't planned. And to see this ridiculously round protrusion only enhances how unbelievable this whole journey has been. I hope we never have to plan our pregnancies, though I know this will be difficult to avoid. I'm just thankful we got to experience at least one of them with surprise and incredulity. It's like being given a gift you didn't even know you wanted. And now you can't imagine living life without it!

I've been trying to get out more...walk more, so the baby can drop. We spent this past long weekend doing lots of window shopping. Plus we had another heat wave and we really wanted to get away from that. So we drove to the coastal cities and hung out there. Long car rides means good music. We listened to songs that artists were inspired to write when their children were born. It was hard not to be moved. You can tell how badly they wanted to express their joy, so much so they just want to tell the whole world. I'm sure even after the lyrics and music came together, it still wasn't enough to fully express what they felt. But how amazing it must be to have this song out in the world that your mom or dad wrote, just for you...just because of you.

I know the first few months will be rough (few years, from what I hear). I'm not going into this with naive excitement....cute baby, tickles and rattles. Please. I've spent the last 8 months thinking about spit up and poop. Not to mention the crying. Don't even get me started on breastfeeding. But I also know, the good outweighs the bad. It has to, or it wouldn't be worth it. I think babies are designed so that no matter how awful they are acting, you can't help but want to nurture them and love them. Granted, there are some folks out there who are immune to such genius design, but they're assholes. After I give birth, so many of our friends will be right there with us, becoming first-time parents! I'm only sad that I'll be too busy to spend more time with my newborn nephews and nieces. At the same time, I'm so grateful that Baby has so many friends to play with already!

At first, I didn't think I was getting any bigger. I mean, big is big, right? But notice how much more my belly extends past my hands. No wonder I can't get up from the couch! I'm 37 wks and 4 days now. Yikes!!

Oh, and remember how I said I don't look pregnant from behind?

Who needs coffee when you're this pregnant!

So, it's about 1am. The temperature has finally cooled to a lovely 76 degrees. The windows are open and the AC can get some much needed rest. I'm not writing to complain about the heat again. No, I'm just saying that I had to wait until now to write this entry because the extra heat of the laptop is unbearable. I sleep with an icepack between my knees, that should tell you how hot I get. Regardless, I'm awake.

These days, I don't sleep much. This belly of mine is ridiculous. It's not just the frequent visits to the restroom or Baby's incessant wiggling and pounding (which I will talk more about later). It's the sheer discomfort. I admit, I'm normally not the best sleeper. I wake up easily and frequently. And I almost always have a hard time falling asleep, mainly because my mind won't shut off. But eventually, I DO fall asleep, unlike now.

The shape of my belly has to have something to do with it, I just know it. Almost every other preggo I know has a wide belly, expanding sideways and high. Mine is the only one I know that lays low and grows forward. I'm told I don't even look pregnant from behind. But look at me from the side and it's like an optical illusion!! I'm huge! This belly juts out like it's reaching for something!! Therein lies the problem. Imagine stuffing a basketball, NOT a pillow, under your shirt. That's what I look like. It looks totally fake. And when I lay on my side to sleep, the pull of this belly is so severe, I spend the entire night trying to situate it in a way that my sides don't feel like they about to rip off. I know my fellow preggos are uncomfortable as well and experience this battle to some degree. But I doubt they toss and turn until the sun comes up, work through the day like a zombie and repeat the whole process again. It literally feels like there's a 10 lbs. bowling ball taped to my sides with the strongest adhesive you can find. Turn on your side and, obviously, the ball wants to drop onto the mattress, but instead is hanging on for dear life by this tape that is slowly tearing your flesh away, layer by layer! Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating with the "tearing" part. But you get the picture, right?

So, that's why I'm still up. Almost 1:30.

As for Baby's jam sessions, I have mixed feelings about this. I only know of one other person who's baby is as active as mine. Everyone else has a mellow fellow. On one hand, I'm grateful to have such an active baby. I don't ever have to kick count (I'd be done in 2 minutes). I do feel bonded to Baby because he reacts so much to the different things I do and eat. In fact, I truly believe it was when I first started to feel Baby move that I was truly excited about being pregnant. It made it all real. Undeniably, there's a baby in there. Most importantly, it's a way of knowing the baby is alive and well. Alive, anyway. Of course, it's also super fun for me and P to watch my belly do its little dance.

Then there's a part of me that wishes he would calm down a little. As amazing as it is to see these bumps move across my belly and to feel the constant thumping, it really hurts a lot of times. Especially when they occur on my sides. I find myself wincing and pressing on my belly whenever this happens. And at least once a day, I let out a little yelp involuntarily from the sharp pain that is Baby. It's especially fun when Baby decides to stretch out and rest his feet on my ribs. The head banging onto my pelvic floor is also a treat. That stops me dead in my tracks almost every time. One time, I was at the mall and didn't think I would make it back the car, the pain was so bad. At night, when I lay down, it's as if Baby knows there's a mattress underneath, and I swear, he jumps like he's on a trampoline. And with him running out of room in there, he has graduated to using his limbs to stretch the walls of his home...very very slowly. Not the most pleasant feeling, I tell ya. Sometimes I'll see a big pointy lump stick out and stay there for what feels like forever. What, is he doing yoga in there or something? And what if I get pregnant again, and that baby isn't active at all?? I'm so used to this constant reminder, how will I ever get my nerves straight with a quiet fetus??

For sure, this pregnancy has been a test of my limits. I feel as though I have experienced much of what I've read in so many of those books. I can sympathize with almost every other preggo's complaints. Notice I said "complaints," not joys, like eating normally again or feeling energetic. Nope, I am at an extreme when it comes to the pregnancy scale. I just hope it tips the other way the next time around.

2am. Time to pee and give sleeping another try.

Muy Caliente!!!

Mother Nature has been merciful until now. So, I'll keep my gripes to a minimum. IT...IS....SO...FLIPPIN..HOT!!! And it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon.

(Whoa. Baby just did some sort of river dance in my belly just now. Nice.)

I'm actually writing about the heat to preface my horribly embarrassing story about how I almost fainted at JoAnn's. Yeah, that's right, the craft super store. So, it all started around 10am yesterday morning. P was still asleep (he was on-call the night before), so I thought I'd run some of my uninteresting errands before he woke up. Plus, I knew it would be hot and thought I should take advantage of the morning cool. I got ready, went here and there...ending up at JoAnn's. Now, yes...I did notice that it was blazing hot. In fact, it was about 90 degrees around 10am to begin with. I guess in my mind, I was so convinced that mornings are supposed to be cool, I just didn't realize it was already hot when I left the house. Talk about mind over matter. So there I am, waiting for the girl to cut my fabric. Suddenly, I get really dizzy...and sweaty...and clammy. For a brief moment I black out. Just for a fraction of a second so I was still standing. I'm thinking....uh-oh. I tell the girl to keep on and that I would be back. While gripping my shopping cart for dear life, I make my way to the restroom somehow. Maybe I needed to have a bowel movement?? Nope...still dizzy. I was shocked at my appearance in the mirror. I was pale, green and kinda transparent. Weird. I sat down at a table and told myself not to panic. But by now, I was getting lots of stares. Did I look that bad? After a few minutes of weighing the consequences, I decided to wake P up and have him pick me up. I know...so much for letting him sleep in.

While I was waiting for P, this one lady and her friend kept staring at me. Pattern book...me...pattern book ....me...pattern book...me. It went on like this for about 5 minutes until she finally came up to me. She asked me about my symptoms and told me to put my legs up and lean back. She even grabbed a rolled up blanket (40% off BTW) and tried to place it behind my head. Darn thing wouldn't stay. Then this old lady offered to give me a ride home. A couple of other ladies came by to ask if I was okay. And that poor fabric girl was walking around with my items looking for me. She, too, asked if I needed anything. Well, it turns out the first lady used to work in an OB office and told me that this was very common during the summer. OMG, I'm thinking, there are other stupid women like me out there. Poor things. She reminded me how my circulation is totally out of whack right now and that I should expect the unexpected from my body from now on. Well-noted, thank you very much. :)

I slowly cooled down and my color was improving, thank goodness. My sweet P showed up with a cold bottle of water and let me lean my head on his shoulder until I was good and ready to leave. As humiliating as this whole ordeal was...I'm kind of glad it happened. See, I've been home for most of my pregnancy. I haven't had the pleasure of seeing how kind and compassionate people can be when you're pregnant. Of course I'm sure these kind strangers would've helped me even if I wasn't. Nevertheless, I've learned my lesson. No more outings in the heat for this pregnant lady.

Bug Love Friday

We almost lost this little booger yesterday. Well, P thinks he was just exploring the neighborhood and would've come back on his own. But for the few minutes that we couldn't find him last night, I was living a nightmare. I had a doozy of a dog day afternoon to begin with. Honestly, it had to have been a full moon or something. First, the DWP meter guy came and SOMEBODY didn't lock MoMo up. Momo is our guard dog, our I'll-eat-your-face-for-lunch guard dog. So I had to chain him up which isn't fun because he's always trying to get you pet him and sticks his big wet nose all over your arm and hand.

Later, in the afternoon, I decide to let Buggie takecare of business in the backyard WITHOUT a leash. This is something we've been trying as of late and, so far so good. He's been obedient and heads back into the house when we tell him to. But we always close the side gate that allows MoMo access because he and Bug don't get along. Basically, I'm afraid MoMo will eat Bug. Once Bug is done marking and pooing, we always re-open the side gate. Well, I thought Bug had headed towards the house again so I started to re-open the gate, where MoMo was eagerly waiting for me. Little booger Bug had snuck up behind me and gone right up into MoMo's face and started barking his little furry butt off! I was so terrified that MoMo was going to retaliate. I was screaming bloody hell and stomping my feet, trying to get them to go their separate ways. The neighbors must've thought I was crazy. Luckily...nothing happened. MoMo just stared at the little booger like...."you've got to be kidding." And I gave Bug a good spanking when we got back in.

The horrible thing was...all that stomping I did really messed up my pelvis. I was in so much pain for the rest of the day. Each step was filled with shooting daggers. Damn dogs.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. My dad decided to replace all the windows in the house last night. Now, my dad isn't the most patient person and he does things in a flurry, without any thought to anything else that is going on around him. So, of course..at some point, he left one of the doors in the house open. The side gate was also wide open so that he could go back and forth from the garage to the windows. And Bug found his way out eventually. We're not sure how long he was gone. I'm guessing about 15 minutes went by before we realized the house was Bugless. I was screaming his name everywhere....standing on our front lawn, half hysterical from the thought of my little precious Bug, walking this strange neighborhood all by himself. And I know if someone found him, we'd never see him again. Who would give back such an adorable little dog??? I was so panicked and I wanted to murder my dad. The idiot man who left all the doors open because he's too careless and lazy to open them when he needs to. Obviously, we can't leave Bug alone with this idiot man and we definitely won't be leaving Baby with him either!!!

Phil ventured down the street a little, while I stood there...blood pressure rising from thinking the worst. He had spotted Bug sniffing his favorite tree that sits in front of the corner house. I was so relieved to see his little black silhouette running towards his daddy and then, to me. I squeezed him, Lennie-style, and did the whole "don't you ever do that again!!" speech as I smothered him with kisses. I have a feeling that while I'm a the hospital with P, giving birth, my mind will be preoccupied with thoughts that my parents are going to lose Bug. I can see it now. Idiot man and his wife. Loses little dog while daughter gives birth to their first grandchild. They are going to be the end of me, mark my words.

Buggie is back home again...safe and under the covers, with his little tail sticking out. *sigh*

Three's Company

Now that we're getting closer to meeting Baby, all the advice I've received since the beginning of my pregnancy is flooding the forefront of my brain. Breastfeeding will be tough.... I'll probably cry every day for the first 2 weeks....You won't get more than 2 hours of sleep a day, etc. All that good stuff. But what's really been resonating in my mind is how I'll miss being just P and I. I find myself missing him already, even when we're sitting on the same sofa watching TV. Very soon we will lose that time alone and I have a feeling it will be very hard for me to get used to. It's been just the two of us for eleven years!!! Now, Baby ,I don't want you to think I'm going to resent you and that I'm dreading your arrival. It's the exact opposite. I can hardly wait to meet the person who has been residing in me for the past few months. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wonder about what you look like and just how much joy you will bring to our lives. The only way I know how to explain it is that I'm going to miss being just "two" the way you would miss your old hometown. It's like leaving your quaint and provincial burb to move to the big city. It's so exciting and new and filled with experiences that you could never have back home. You'll meet new people, try new things and fill your life with new memories. But in your heart, you will always miss home, no matter how simple and sheltered it was. It is a safe and familiar place.

Who knows. If you're lucky enough, you'll get to go back one day. I guess that would be when the kids leave the nest and it's just P and I again. Though I might not have appreciated our long courtship at the time, I'm so grateful for the past 11 years I had alone with P. Most people only get a couple of years alone together before they start a family. In those 11 years, we've become best friends, created many traditions and established a solid foundation for our growing family. We've also helped mold each other into the people we've become today. I always knew P would make an amazing father. From the beginning, he was patient, compassionate and very giving. I hope some of that has rubbed off on me.

Here's a 3D photo of Baby that the perinatologist gave us a few weeks back. Even though we have this, I still wonder what baby will look like. I've seen many 3D sonograms and, trust me, all the babies look the same. Although I will say that I think he has my chin and puffy eyelids.

Inflation: Part III

Here's my belly at 32 weeks. Huge!! I swear I grew overnight. With 8 more weeks to go, I wouldn't be surprised if I doubled in size. It seems like everything I eat these days stays on my body in one location or another. Along with my belly, I can see my arms, chin, legs and butt getting bigger as well. I'm officially a fat lady...and I'm loving it!! I've always been a little chubby but at least this time I have a legit reason. Let's just hope it comes off after the baby comes out.

The Big Scare

Wow. I never thought I'd reach this point in the pregnancy. This weekend I will be 30 weeks. 30 WEEKS!!! In other words, 40 - 30 = 10. If Baby goes to term.....that means we have 10 more weeks left before his arrival! HOLY COW!! Ten is such a small number. I'm going to really freak out when we're in single digits. I keep doing the math in my head...just as I've been doing this entire pregnancy. But until now, the number has always seemed large in degree and Baby still felt so far away. Now all I can think about the labor and delivery. I haven't reached the "fear" of it yet. I'm more preoccupied with the "when" will it happen part. We might not even have 10 weeks at all. What if Baby comes early? I was an early baby...

Well, I really started thinking about Baby's arrival when we had our appointment with the perinatologist. You see, we had a bit of a scare recently. I wasn't going to write about it, but I figured...I talked about everything else. Why leave out the one thing that made this pregnancy really REAL to us. So, it all started at our second trimester fetal anatomy ultrasound. Everything was going well. We saw Baby and watched as the sonographer measured his body. He was a good size...a little big in the head and abdomen, but no big deal according to our OB. We left with the feeling that we were having a big, healthy baby. We were on cloud nine...proud mama and papa.

That same day, it came to my attention that being a big baby is not a good thing at all. That it's NEVER good! And to make it worse...that it might be my fault!! You gotta be kidding me! I barely eat to begin with, and somehow I made the baby big?! That night, I had my first pregnancy nightmares. All of them had the same running theme....that I'm a bad mother. To say that I was upset would be a huge understatement. I was scared, ashamed and very angry. Scared and ashamed that I might be responsible for Baby's unusual measurements. Angry that the bliss of our ultrasound was so short-lived. I literally felt like I had been slapped in the face. I mean, if something was wrong...wouldn't our doctor have told us? She's the expert, so her opinion is the only one that matters, right? If I had done something wrong...wouldn't she have corrected me?

Well, moving forward. The next few weeks were awful. I took on a few shifts and spent any chance I could to scan Baby myself. I measured over and over again. And here's where it gets crazy. At the doctor's office, he wasn't measuring all that big...in fact, he was within range. But every week that went by since, his head would grow significantly faster than the rest of his body. It's hard to explain if you don't scan, but basically when you're measuring, if you move your cursor even a couple of millimeters, you're adding on another week to the measurement. So, I was really careful when measuring...but to no avail. Even when other techs scanned me, they came to the same conclusion. The only mercy I had was that I was the only one freaking out. Everyone who scanned me kept saying his head was fine..that the brain looked good and that this was normal. So that kept my insanity at bay until our next appointment.

My concern was growing at the same rate as Baby's head. So, I asked the doctor for a second anatomy survey. Baby was looked at that same day. Only this time, I think the tech was thinking the same thing I was. Why is this baby's head so big?? So she started searching for a reason. And I can honestly say that from that moment, I was like a zombie. Numb and in a daze. I watched as she measured the baby's ventricles, which really got me spinning. And our OB admitted that she herself was not an ultrasound expert and that she would feel better referring us to a specialist for a more thorough exam of the baby. SAY WHAT?!?! I can tell you that I after that statement, pretty much everything else she said sounded like Charlie Brown's mom. P and I were absolutely devastated. Everything that I had learned in school about fetal anomalies came rushing back to me. I can't believe I didn't pass out because I'm certain I stopped breathing at some point. Ventriculomegaly, hydrocephalus, Dandy-Walker....all these awful, AWFUL things I knew about but never thought I would ever experience on a personal level!!! If you thought I was feeling guilty before, you have no idea the abyss I sunk into after that second ultrasound.

The two weeks of waiting for insurance authorizations and finally getting an appointment with a perinatologist FELT LIKE FOREVER!! The few times I worked during that time, I took advantage and really scrutinized Baby's brain. Again, I had other techs do the same. Our final conclusion was that Baby's brain was fine. His ventricles were fine. Everything looked fine. But still....I wanted to hear it from the perinatologist. Only then can I breathe again.

Well, I call this long story "The Big Scare" because that's all that it ended up being. The appointment was not only reassuring, but very enlightening. It turns out...our baby is Korean. That's right. According to our perinatologist, Korean babies tend to run big quite often, especially the head. I believe his exact words were that "the baby has a Korean head." He even said that these babies are often very intelligent as well. Well, I'm not holding my breath on that because I know a lot of dumb, big-headed people. So, there goes that theory. But obviously, P and I were very relieved. I was so relieved, in fact, I could've had a bowel movement right then and there. TMI? Sorry.

I kept wondering to myself...in all the OB scans I've done...why hadn't I come across this phenomenon? Why did I have to freak out like that, when it's supposedly very common. Then it dawned on me. I never scan Korean babies! Perhaps if I had had more experience with that...The Big Scare would never have happened. Regardless, I'm back to enjoying this pregnancy. I use the word "enjoying" very lightly because I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Sitting, standing, walking, laying down....there is no position I can find that is a relief to what is now a constant hum of aches and extreme fatigue. Most nights, I spend tossing and turning, taking trips to the restroom and clutching my pillow every time Baby decides to score the winning goal in my belly. He's quietest in the morning, and that is the only time I get any real sleep. Oh, and it's hot now. Like HOT HOT!! I guess summer finally decided to show its ugly face. I will, however, thank Mother Nature for the unprecedented cool weather we were experiencing up until now.

With the clock ticking, P and I are working hard to get Baby's room ready. We're almost done. Just a bit of spackle and some new paint will do. After that...we can buy a crib!!! Don't get me wrong. We have a ton of other things to do before this baby gets here. All those books I've been avoiding...gotta read those. Gotta start making a hospital bag. Gotta wash all those baby clothes. Gotta have a baby shower. Gotta find a pediatrician. The list never ends. I'm super excited for what's to come. Though I will admit, there are days where I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I have gone through the longest emotional roller coaster known to woman during this pregnancy. I don't know what I would've done without P's tireless support and love. Even now, though I'm no longer feeling sick, P has continued to take care of me and Baby. Though I may sit here planning, nesting and thinking about all that needs to be done, P is the one who has to actually physically do them. I'm sure he's exhausted. I wonder when we're both going to be able to sleep a full night's rest again. 2012?? 2014? You know what...don't answer.