The Big Scare

Wow. I never thought I'd reach this point in the pregnancy. This weekend I will be 30 weeks. 30 WEEKS!!! In other words, 40 - 30 = 10. If Baby goes to term.....that means we have 10 more weeks left before his arrival! HOLY COW!! Ten is such a small number. I'm going to really freak out when we're in single digits. I keep doing the math in my head...just as I've been doing this entire pregnancy. But until now, the number has always seemed large in degree and Baby still felt so far away. Now all I can think about the labor and delivery. I haven't reached the "fear" of it yet. I'm more preoccupied with the "when" will it happen part. We might not even have 10 weeks at all. What if Baby comes early? I was an early baby...

Well, I really started thinking about Baby's arrival when we had our appointment with the perinatologist. You see, we had a bit of a scare recently. I wasn't going to write about it, but I figured...I talked about everything else. Why leave out the one thing that made this pregnancy really REAL to us. So, it all started at our second trimester fetal anatomy ultrasound. Everything was going well. We saw Baby and watched as the sonographer measured his body. He was a good size...a little big in the head and abdomen, but no big deal according to our OB. We left with the feeling that we were having a big, healthy baby. We were on cloud nine...proud mama and papa.

That same day, it came to my attention that being a big baby is not a good thing at all. That it's NEVER good! And to make it worse...that it might be my fault!! You gotta be kidding me! I barely eat to begin with, and somehow I made the baby big?! That night, I had my first pregnancy nightmares. All of them had the same running theme....that I'm a bad mother. To say that I was upset would be a huge understatement. I was scared, ashamed and very angry. Scared and ashamed that I might be responsible for Baby's unusual measurements. Angry that the bliss of our ultrasound was so short-lived. I literally felt like I had been slapped in the face. I mean, if something was wrong...wouldn't our doctor have told us? She's the expert, so her opinion is the only one that matters, right? If I had done something wrong...wouldn't she have corrected me?

Well, moving forward. The next few weeks were awful. I took on a few shifts and spent any chance I could to scan Baby myself. I measured over and over again. And here's where it gets crazy. At the doctor's office, he wasn't measuring all that big...in fact, he was within range. But every week that went by since, his head would grow significantly faster than the rest of his body. It's hard to explain if you don't scan, but basically when you're measuring, if you move your cursor even a couple of millimeters, you're adding on another week to the measurement. So, I was really careful when measuring...but to no avail. Even when other techs scanned me, they came to the same conclusion. The only mercy I had was that I was the only one freaking out. Everyone who scanned me kept saying his head was fine..that the brain looked good and that this was normal. So that kept my insanity at bay until our next appointment.

My concern was growing at the same rate as Baby's head. So, I asked the doctor for a second anatomy survey. Baby was looked at that same day. Only this time, I think the tech was thinking the same thing I was. Why is this baby's head so big?? So she started searching for a reason. And I can honestly say that from that moment, I was like a zombie. Numb and in a daze. I watched as she measured the baby's ventricles, which really got me spinning. And our OB admitted that she herself was not an ultrasound expert and that she would feel better referring us to a specialist for a more thorough exam of the baby. SAY WHAT?!?! I can tell you that I after that statement, pretty much everything else she said sounded like Charlie Brown's mom. P and I were absolutely devastated. Everything that I had learned in school about fetal anomalies came rushing back to me. I can't believe I didn't pass out because I'm certain I stopped breathing at some point. Ventriculomegaly, hydrocephalus, Dandy-Walker....all these awful, AWFUL things I knew about but never thought I would ever experience on a personal level!!! If you thought I was feeling guilty before, you have no idea the abyss I sunk into after that second ultrasound.

The two weeks of waiting for insurance authorizations and finally getting an appointment with a perinatologist FELT LIKE FOREVER!! The few times I worked during that time, I took advantage and really scrutinized Baby's brain. Again, I had other techs do the same. Our final conclusion was that Baby's brain was fine. His ventricles were fine. Everything looked fine. But still....I wanted to hear it from the perinatologist. Only then can I breathe again.

Well, I call this long story "The Big Scare" because that's all that it ended up being. The appointment was not only reassuring, but very enlightening. It turns out...our baby is Korean. That's right. According to our perinatologist, Korean babies tend to run big quite often, especially the head. I believe his exact words were that "the baby has a Korean head." He even said that these babies are often very intelligent as well. Well, I'm not holding my breath on that because I know a lot of dumb, big-headed people. So, there goes that theory. But obviously, P and I were very relieved. I was so relieved, in fact, I could've had a bowel movement right then and there. TMI? Sorry.

I kept wondering to myself...in all the OB scans I've done...why hadn't I come across this phenomenon? Why did I have to freak out like that, when it's supposedly very common. Then it dawned on me. I never scan Korean babies! Perhaps if I had had more experience with that...The Big Scare would never have happened. Regardless, I'm back to enjoying this pregnancy. I use the word "enjoying" very lightly because I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Sitting, standing, walking, laying down....there is no position I can find that is a relief to what is now a constant hum of aches and extreme fatigue. Most nights, I spend tossing and turning, taking trips to the restroom and clutching my pillow every time Baby decides to score the winning goal in my belly. He's quietest in the morning, and that is the only time I get any real sleep. Oh, and it's hot now. Like HOT HOT!! I guess summer finally decided to show its ugly face. I will, however, thank Mother Nature for the unprecedented cool weather we were experiencing up until now.

With the clock ticking, P and I are working hard to get Baby's room ready. We're almost done. Just a bit of spackle and some new paint will do. After that...we can buy a crib!!! Don't get me wrong. We have a ton of other things to do before this baby gets here. All those books I've been avoiding...gotta read those. Gotta start making a hospital bag. Gotta wash all those baby clothes. Gotta have a baby shower. Gotta find a pediatrician. The list never ends. I'm super excited for what's to come. Though I will admit, there are days where I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I have gone through the longest emotional roller coaster known to woman during this pregnancy. I don't know what I would've done without P's tireless support and love. Even now, though I'm no longer feeling sick, P has continued to take care of me and Baby. Though I may sit here planning, nesting and thinking about all that needs to be done, P is the one who has to actually physically do them. I'm sure he's exhausted. I wonder when we're both going to be able to sleep a full night's rest again. 2012?? 2014? You know what...don't answer.

Inside Scoop.

Watch carefully...

I know...I know. What in the world am I wearing?! LOL!! It was originally given to my mom by a friend from Korea. It's this super comfortable, well-ventilated, and very ugly dress that no woman should be caught dead wearing outside the house. A Korean house dress, if you will. I'm not ashamed of wearing it. It's the only thing I can stand to wear these days anyway. In fact, I'm never giving it back!

But back to the issue at hand. That display of belly quakes is just a taste of what I have been feeling and seeing for the past month. The kicks I felt as early as 17 weeks. But I didn't actually see my belly gyrate until about 5-6 weeks ago. First it was just a poke at a time. Now it looks like he's training for the UFC!!

Wanna know what he's doing in there??

So, now you know what Baby is doing on the inside!! Crazy, right?! What is he doing, stomping away at my insides like that?! LOL! It can get pretty intense sometimes. And he likes to stretch his legs and stick his butt out against my belly. I like to take my fingers and rub his butt. I think he's ticklish because he always moves it away when I do that. Little does he know, I'll be wiping that butt for many years to come! He might as well start getting used to it now.

Inflation: Part II "Bigger is Better"

So it's been about 4 weeks since the last photo. My belly doesn't look that much bigger but it is. It's definitely rounder and fuller sideways. My hips and bum are also wider and fuller. LOL! And according TheBump, my uterus should be the size of an eggplant. Now, I don't know about you, but I've seen eggplants of all sizes...so I guess it bodes well for them to compare it to something that varies (in case you're bigger than you oughta be). It's like watching your hair grow. It seems like it's staying that that ugly length by your shoulders for what seems like forever. Then one day, you look in the mirror and realize that it's long!!

Not that I do this often, but I can no longer see my hoohaa. I'll just keep bending forward and forward until I fall over. But I can still see my shoes. Can't tie them!!! But I can see them. The best is how clumsy I've gotten. My hands can't seem to hold on to anything anymore. Normally, this would be fine except that I can no longer bend over to pick the crap up! I really like when I drop paper....super flat and impossible to pick up. Sometimes I just want to take off my shoes and socks just to use my toes.

The back pain has increased to a constant dull ache. I can no longer sit on the floor in the living room to eat. It's too difficult getting up and the hardness of the floor does a number on my pelvic bones. I have to lean on my side and use my arms to push myself up off the couch. And I have to use a similar maneuver to get out of bed. And seeing as how my bladder is shrinking each day, you can imagine how many times I have to do that every night. When you decide to start trying to get pregnant, they should say.....visit your doctor, start taking prenatal vitamins, and do lots of arm exercises. Because my arms are getting a workout!!! I guess it's preparing you for all those times you'll be lifting, rocking and carrying the baby.

My belly button is almost an even plane now. And the skin around my belly is so stretched out...it has a nice sheen to it. LOL. At night, I'm even bigger due to the swelling. I bet if I put a light on it, you can see the reflection from outer space! I put on lotion occasionally, but I couldn't care less about getting stretch marks. I've gotten them before due to weight gain and, believe it or not, they do go away. I think they just tell you it doesn't to sell you all those creams and oils. Besides, I'm a little too old to be walking around with my midriff hanging out, no? What, am I in Vegas?? Tacky.

Boobs. Everyone wants to know if the twins got bigger. A little...yes. I'm not Pam Anderson by any means, but they are fuller and my bras are a little tighter. Luckily, I have some bras that are a little too generous in size. I must've bought them right before my period, know what I mean ladies? Plus they were on sale..so I went a little crazy and bought a bunch. Well, they're coming in handy now! I guess I should enjoy these suckers while I can. From what I hear, they don't just go back to their normal size. They get smaller!!! Even concave. I keep picturing two mudflaps for breasts you can serve dip in. Always functional!

Yesh, the female body goes through quite a few changes in its lifetime. It really is incredible. You can read or hear about it....but unless you're willing to attach a bowling ball to your belly, add weights to your ankles and wrists, let a woodpecker peck your head every other week, lose all emotional control, give up your taste buds, place a rubber band around your bladder and stomach, be stupid, have smoker's lungs, give up good sleep....ALL FOR NINE MONTHS, you'll never know what it is to be pregnant until you are.

It's a small price to pay for the what you get. Something so precious and one-of-a-kind. A creation that no one else can duplicate (putting cloning aside, that is). It was hard to have this perspective in the beginning when I felt like I was rockin' the smallest boat in the biggest storm. Compared to the nausea and vomiting, all these other discomforts are bearable. I just want Baby to be healthy, kicking on the outside as he is on the inside. I can't wait for his arrival!!

Baby Bug Love Friday

What??? I just wanted to see if it'd fit!

LOL! Doesn't it look like Bug has a reverse boner?! You should see it when he wags his tail. Too cute! I was looking at the newborn onesie, trying to picture the human being that is supposed to fit into such a tiny piece of clothing..and in the corner of my eye...there he was. The victim. Poor Bug. I couldn't resist....he's the perfect newborn size.

I often wonder how Bug will react when Baby gets here. I wonder if he'll see him as competition, the way he sees my mom. He loves my mom, but for some reason, he keeps thinking she's going to steal his food and sleep in his bed. I know she's a small person but she's not THAT small! So, imagine a person who IS as small as he is! P and I think he'll ignore the Baby completely, realizing that THIS particular human has no control over doggie treats or trips to the dog park. We do expect an occasional attempt at food being stolen right out of Baby's mouth...but that's later. Hey, at least the baby will never have food on his face. Buggie will lick that sucker clean!

Jane Fonda...where are you?!

P and I just went to the hospital for the Birthing Prep Class. You know, the class where they talk about labor and delivery and show you that frightening video of a baby coming out of a woman's hooha. I especially loved how they showed it right before lunch.

I know I'm only 24 weeks and I was afraid that I might have the smallest bump in the class (which I didn't). But I am soooooo glad I took it early!! The nurse talked about a lot of good stuff. The kind of stuff you think you know or read about, but actually makes more sense when someone is telling you the same thing in person. I know much more about the different drugs they offer you and when and why they administer them. And strangely, I'm not so enthusiastic about the epidural anymore. I'm not afraid of needles and I'm not concerned about it being harmful to the baby. It's all safe. But what really bothered me was when the nurse said it would SLOW the whole labor process down. WHAT?! Slow it down?! You see, the epidural numbs you....YAY!! But it also numbs all the sensations that would naturally cause you to push and progress the labor...BOO! So, it's a give-and-take situation. Knowing myself, I would probably trade the extra laboring for the lack of pain. Hey! Don't judge me!

We also learned all some breathing techniques and massage positions for those intense contractions. Here's why I'm glad we took the class early. Labor is a workout!!! I'm not talking about the pushing for hours and hours part. I'm talking about the squatting and strange positions you do before you ever start pushing. In early labor, you take a walk...soak in a warm bath...maintain the excitement of meeting Baby finally. But in active labor...key word being "active", you are HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HAWWing and HOO-HOO-HOO- HOOing and bending over and sumo squatting for every contraction. This is if you have not dilated to the size of grapefruit and you have not had your epidural yet. You could be doing this crazy song and dance for HOURS!!! before you push. Meanwhile, P is supposed to be doing all this with me...AND massaging my back and pelvis! The nurse made if very clear that these techniques were meant to "distract" you from contractions, not "relieve" them. Great. We were both exhausted after the class. I was actually laying down on my side on the mat...ready to pass out. So it's weights for P and lunges for me! And to think, there were women in that class delivering this weekend!! Good luck, honey.

Don't get me wrong. The class was really actually a lot of fun. I loved hearing the man next to us gasp with each shocking piece of information and his wife giggle with embarrassment. The nurse was really enthusiastic and optimistic, reassuring us of all the measures that are taken to make mommy and baby happy and healthy. But I think my favorite part was how much fun you have with your partner. It truly is a time for you and your baby daddy to bond. P was reading all the material and putting complete effort into all the exercises and really just made me feel so much more confident about the whole thing. We weren't just doing the motions like some of the yahoos in the class. We wanted to get it right the first time which is probably why were so pooped towards the end.

I'm glad we took the class and I'm super glad we took it earlier than normal. It gives us that much more time to prep our bodies. Now where is that dang yoga mat!?!?!

Inflation

At the request of my friend Benny, here's a photo of my belly. Too bad I can't get footage of the all the kicking that's going on inside.

I am so happy to say that I'm feeling much better these days. I will still take the advice of my smart P and consider them to be good days in a sea of bad ones. That way when I do feel like crap every once in a while, I won't be so surprised. The nausea is pretty much gone, along with most of the food aversion. Although I did get a whiff of some hamburgers on the grill the other night and I almost tossed my cookies.

I think my ankles are swollen...at least I hope they are. Otherwise...dayam! I've got chunky ankles! I can feel my joints and muscles loosening up, getting ready for the big expulsion. And I can no longer lay flat on my back without feeling like I'm trying to breathe underwater. It's getting increasingly challenging putting on my shoes and socks. Painting my toenails was a doozy. And with this baby hanging really low in my pelvis, I'm finding the thought of going commando more and more appealing everyday.

With the nausea slowly lessening, my appetite is gaining strength. Along with it are new challenges, such as bloating, gas and heartburn. Fun stuff. And I think I've skipped the whole 2nd trimester boost, although I do have a about 3 more weeks left, so who knows. Maybe a day of cartwheels will sneak in. Can you imagine?!

The shed in the backyard is 99% complete. (BTW, the instructions say it takes 30 mins. YEAH RIGHT!!) Soon I'll be spending what little energy I have packing up boxes, making space for Baby :) I've got baby showers to plan, showers to attend and much, much more! Now that I feel better and the days don't feel like so long, I can't seem to keep up. I don't know how I ended up being 23 weeks!

Belly update...

The depth of my belly button is getting shallower. I think this is very funny :)