Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Thanksgiving with the whole family!!! It's actually a little bit of a blur because I was super tired and I had turkey on the brain. I just remember eating seconds...and possibly thirds.

W's first Thanksgiving...came and went soo fast!

Just like the Pilgrims and Indians did way back when, we had kimchee with our Thanksgiving meal.

W, meet your GREAT-grandmother! Holy cow! I barely had regular grandparents.

I know I complain a lot on this blog. Hey, it's what I'm good at. But at the end of the day, I know how blessed I am.

First of all, I still have my parents. They do test my patience on an daily (more like hourly) basis and we squabble more than the average family, but theyare still here and I'm ever so grateful for that. I'm especially grateful that I still have my mom. Future post on her to come, btw. Being a mother myself has really forced me to step into her past and I find myself constantly wondering if my mom felt the same way I do with my baby. Lucky for me, I can get answers to my many ponderings because she is here now. Soon I'll be making spaghetti for my son, just the way my mom did for me every week!! So surreal.

Next, I have a roof over my head. Yes, it would be nice to have a roof that "we" own, but you know what? We've been pretty fortunate to have a place to stay so that we could pay for our wedding (which was awesome) and for our honeymoon (which was awesomer!!). Most importantly, it has allowed us to save up for W's arrival and for a down payment. My folks were gracious enough not to charge us rent during our entire invasion. And invade we did.

We have the best dog in the universe. No joke. I've had dogs my whole life (9 in total) and I can honestly that we hit the jackpot with Bug. I'm so thankful that his previous owners were such imbeciles and gave him away. Some people are so dumb. He's smart, cute as hell and funnier than most people I know. He doesn't smell. He's potty-trained. He has a raspy bark you never get sick of. And he can cuddle like there's no tomorrow. He even regulates his own foodportions!!! If you think about it, if he were human, he'd be the perfect man~!

Though I'm no bionic woman, I am still grateful for my health. You always hear it.."at least I have my health." Well, I don't have to be a dying old woman to know how true this is! Pregnancy alone was so debilitating, I can't even imagine what life is like when you are permanently disabled. I couldn't even get out of bed without building up some momentum first. As of right now, I can still put my arms around my husband. I can still snowboard...sort of. I can still climb onto the kitchen counter to reach the top shelf. I can still drive around town and run my errands. I can still knit! And most gratefully, I can still pick up my baby to hold when he cries. Fleeting as it may be, I'm thankful for all that my health allows me to do.

And then, there is my husband. My wonderful WONDERFUL husband who never ceases to amaze me with his never-ending patience. When you're married to me, patience is a must. Isn't that right, P? While I bring passion and humor to the relationship, I often feel I bring little else. Everything I lack, P embodies. We really make anamazing team because of this. (I secretly want to enter us into the Amazing Race, but I'm too much of a chickenshit to do it.) And I can't imagine the last 13 years of my life without him. I probably would have been obliviously bored, living day to day, all by my lonesome. I say "oblivious" because as an only child, I have no problems being alone and to this day, I still relish a little solitude every now and then. But I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself, "I would not have experienced this if it had not been for him." And that is the truth. Thank you P, for making my life so grand!

Last, but ABSOLUTELY NOT LEAST! there is W. What can I say except that he is the most surprising and joyful part of my life. I will wake up grouchy from the lack of sleep but as soon as I see that sweet little face looking up at me, it's over. I'm completely undone and he has won. Talk about power. I can't believe we made him!! That he is half P and half me! It's so incredible that one of us has to say that very sentiment at least once a day. It's THAT incredible. I hope we never take W for granted. I hope even when he is throwing a tantrum in the middle of Target, I remember how we felt when he first arrived and how he had us scratching our heads as to how we could be sooo lucky!

What I desire are the simple things in life...and trust me when I say this, just because they are simple, it doesn't make them easier to obtain. Especially in this day and age. I just want each day to be filled some happiness, a lot of laughter and the occasional irony for kicks. I feel as though I have this.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Two months old already!!!?? NOOOOO! He's growing so fast. Even with the enormous amount of photos we take, I can't truly document how quickly he's growing. W had his 2 month check up and it's official. He's a porker! I guess eating fistfuls of peanut M & Ms wasn't such a good idea. I couldn't help it!!! Nine months of chocolate deprivation is bound to catch up in a bad way. But I think I'm over it. For now anyway. I will refrain as best I can for my baby. Only nutritious and healthy food for me and baby. Hey, maybe now I'll actually lose some weight like you're supposed to when you're breastfeeding.

So.....remember how I said no feeding schedule for us? Well, I meant it at the time. Really, I did. But Auntie C told me that it'll be better in the long run if we start now. So I'm going to give it another go. So far, W has been compliant with my demands but I can't help but wonder if he's happy.

Some tummy time with mommy :)

The holidays are among us and I can't wait for W to spend some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. I can't wait to see they jaws drop when they see how huge he is! First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First New Year's. I'm loving all these "firsts" and I'm reminded of how strange it is to have this new person in our lives. It's going to be so amazing experiencing everyday life through W's eyes. There's so much we take for granted, most of which is due to fatigue and lack of time. But having a baby makes you slow down and look at the details. Figures, it would take a baby for me to learn to take a deep breath.

Auntie C, all smitten.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Manic Monday

Spent the whole day yesterday trying to get W to sleep. I don't think he slept more than 2 hours total the entire time!! I'd feed him...play with him....wrap him up and put him in his crib like always. Only he would cry his ass off the second his tush touched the mattress. So I'd rock him in my arms, which is no easy feat, by the way. He weighs a good 13 lbs. and after about 30 seconds of swaying this way and that, you feel like you're arms are going to detach from their sockets. Why don't you try using the baby swing. Um...duh. Like I haven't tried?!! If you don't have anything helpful to say...just shut up. Anyway, it turns out he was having a growth spurt. So instead of sleeping...he just wants to eat again. And again. And again. The good part, of course, was that he passed the eff out later that night!! Which means a good 3 hours of sleep for me!! Mr. Sandman, give me a frickin dream!

"Get. In. My. Belly!!!!" Growth spurt or glutton. You decide.

Here's W doing tummy time. Clearly, he's taking a break.

Good effort, son. Good effort.

W has also been staying up longer during the day. Not really fussing..but just being awake. Which is fine except with babies, you always feel a bit like you're auditioning. Does he like me? Am I funny? Am I entertaining? Oh gosh, am I being boring? What else can I do to keep you happy? Honestly, it's exhausting!!

Sometimes, he's good just hanging out by himself, but it doesn't last long. He's still smiling and cooing, but he's also starting to giggle a little!! It's not a full-blown laugh just yet...but you can totally tell he's trying to get his chest behind it. So cute! And I can already tell he's gonna be a big chatterbox! He's making vowel sounds "ooooh. aaay-oh" and moving his mouth trying so hard to get words out. The other night...he just started...talking...to P. Not any words that are comprehensible to us, of course. But it was more than just one sound at a time. He just spit out a few sentences of baby talk in his sweet little voice. Like he was just commenting on the weather or something. Our jaws dropped. He hasn't chatted us up since...but what a glimpse. :)

"What on God's earth are you talking about?" (I get this look a lot)

I guess the biggest thing on our minds these days, other than the baby, is finding a home for us....just us. It's no big secret that we want to move out of my parents' house. But after W came along, the desperation has reached an all-time high. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to breastfeed while living with people you can't be topless around?!?! They don't tell you that in those nursing books.
Must live with people who can see your boobs. I mean, I'm confined to the baby room pretty much the entire day because of this inconvenience. I even had a lock installed because my folks don't know what it means to knock before entering. Even when they do knock, they don't wait for you to say come in or stay out. That is just one example of how they are slowing trying to drive me insane. It's bad enough my folks make me crazy, but to be confined to a small room with too much furniture and no TV....it's become a prison for me. I daydream of playing with W in a sunlit living room or walking the neighborhood every afternoon with stroller in one hand and dog leash in the other. Mostly I just pack, mentally. *sigh*

So, P and I have been looking for this dream oasis called Freedom. It's the perfect time to buy, too. But our budget doesn't permit us many options. And my frugality has peaked beyond belief. Every dollar we spend is like pulling teeth to me. I keep thinking...that dollar could be going towards our future home. With the holidays coming up and all these random events, we just keep spending and it KILLS me. I spent this past year sacrificing my own celebrations to save up for our baby. We didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, totally skipped my first Mother's Day, and did squat for our wedding anniversary. And I'm a sentimental fool to say the least, so giving up such celebrations was no easy thing for me. In fact, it was downright depressing. But I have half a mind to do the same with my birthday next month. Dinner with friends...or a house of our own. Hmmm...let me waste a few minutes to contemplate the obvious. That's how BADLY I want to move out. Other than the baby, this is what keeps me up at night. If I could go back in time for one hour, it would be to tell my younger self how insanely difficult it is to live with our parents and to start saving every single penny....cuz you're gonna want to move out PRONTO!

Here he is, wearing stuff I knit for him.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Growing Pains

They DO grow up fast! You hear people say that all the time but there's nothing to prepares you for it. Everyday, something about W is different, whether it's his face, his cry or even his behavior. It's the speediest yet most gradual phenomenon I've ever witnessed. Most of the time, I can't remember what or how we dealt with the baby the day before!! Parenthood is simply the art of constant adjustment.

It's been a couple of weeks since he started to smile in response to our silly faces! Oh the joy!! It literally breaks my heart a little bit at a time each time I see that adorable smirk! And it's so addicting, I find myself doing all sorts of ridiculous things (dancing, singing made-up songs) just to make him do it again. That has to be the most exciting development to date. He did giggle once with his daddy, but we haven't been able to muster another one out of him since then. But soon...very soon....I can feel it.

My latest struggle is dealing with the 3-hour feeding schedule W's on. There were a couple of days where he was eating every 4 hours. What a tease. That's like saying I have 24 hours to diffuse a bomb and then realizing the timer says 5 minutes! The night feedings are the most brutal. W is so sleepy sometimes, I could be sitting there for 45 minutes trying to wake the poor guy up just to finish. And trust me, you want him to finish. Otherwise, get ready to wake up in an hour. The trick is to wake him just enough to eat...but not so much that he's alert and ready to play. The same goes for those diaper changes. They really need to do something about those velcro snaps. Might as well sound the alarm, damn things are so loud.

And he appears to be going through constant growth spurts. He's already huge for his age, I don't understand why he's in such a hurry to get big. He's only 7 weeks old and already wearing 3-month old baby clothes!! He's so big I keep thinking he can sit up by himself, only to see his big head flop forward suddenly. We're doing plenty of tummy time because he's gonna need NFL-sized neck muscles to hold up that big noggin of his.

For the past few weeks, I went through such turmoil trying to implement a feeding schedule for the little guy. Supposedly babies are happiest when on a routine. Makes sense, no? Who doesn't feel secure knowing that they will be guaranteed their next meal, right? Unfortunately, his tummy always beats me to the next scheduled feeding and it just snowballs from there. So I give up. I'm just feeding on demand. And demand he does.

Oh yeah, an update about the crying. He still cries to sleep, but mostly it's during his fussy time or when he's super tired. We tried to let him cry it out and it was going good for a while there. And when I say going good, I mean going good FOR US. I don't know if it was because I was feeling detached from my new baby or what, but I didn't have as much trouble listening to him cry before. Now when I hear him cry, it's like someone is ripping my heart out ever so slowly. The same goes for P. It's so awful to hear and to know that he's miserable, sad or lonely. Truthfully, I think he's just tired and fighting sleep. Either way, it sucks and it isn't long before we're in there soothing him. There was one time when we weren't sure if he was tired or hungry. After 10 gut-wrenching minutes, I went in and picked him up. He stopped crying immediately and gave me this look like he was saying, "Why did you ignore me? Don't you love me? I'm so hungry. Where were you?" I'll be accepting my award for WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR now, thank you very much. Honestly, I think I died a little. I will never forget the look he gave me, that cute little face with his wet eyes blinking up at me. *sigh* Sorry, baby.

I hope one day soon I will be able to tell the difference in his many cries. But it's hard because even those are changing. His cries are more grown up now. And P says it's getting harder and harder to hear him cry because he's starting to be more like a person and less like a newborn. Before, it was just eat and sleep, eat and sleep. No interaction or reaction. Now, he smiles and coos at us, looks around and pays attention to the toys we put in front of him. It's getting to be really fun. And now we know he feels more than just hunger pains. He's actually happy at times! So when he cries, it's hard not to think that he's UNHAPPY, see what I'm getting at? Love hurts.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sweet Surrender

I know what you're thinking. When did this blog become a baby blog?! Well, it's not. But seeing as how I don't leave the house and don't do anything other than nurse the baby, I don't see any "non-baby" posts happening in the near future. Besides...look at this face...why would I waste my time blogging about anything else?!!?

This morning...I found a spider hanging out on the wall above W's crib. Just staring at my precious little baby with his trillion eyes. I can tell you blood pressure shot up like a rocket! Normally, I'd yell for P to kill it because I hate HATE HATE!! spiders, but I swatted that thing so fast as if it was carrying the plague. To think!!! This little piece of shit was gonna bite my baby!!! I thought Wolverine blades were gonna grow out of my knuckles!! I was that angry. I looked down at W's face...so peaceful and so small....safe in his little crib with mommy standing by. It made me think...man, if a little spider brought the mamabear out of me, I can't even imagine how I'm gonna feel when I have to drop him off at preschool the first day!! I'm probably gonna sit in the car and cry all day. Maybe even take the day off of work (if I ever find a job).

There's so much out in this big scary world that I want to protect him from. Like the first time some dumb kid makes fun of him. Or the first time he gets his heart broken. The many scrapes and bruises he'll get from exploring and playing. I wish I could hover next to him, shielding and blocking all that might harm him. But I know I can't. The best thing I can do is allow him to experience all that life has to offer, even if it hurts sometimes. I have so much admiration for my parents for letting me live my life without ever feeling restricted because of what they feared might happen. Although there was one time I came home early the next morning after having fallen asleep at a friend's house. My mom was in the kitchen, about to faint thinking something had happened to me. Turns out she called every local hospital to see if I had been in an accident. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be just like her??

As I watched him sleep this morning, I was astounded by how concerned I was about him. I know it sounds stupid. He's my baby after all. And I'm his mommy. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Duh!! But...it's been just me my whole life. I'm an only child with only myself to think of. I'm fully aware of my selfishness and self-centered ways. No amount of toys or pets could replace what a sibling can teach you. I know this and have spent the better part of my life trying to outgrow my onlychildness. (Progress so far? Ask me again in 10 years) Even with P, as much as I love him and as paranoid as I am that something will happen to him, I at least know he can take care of himself. But W is just a helpless little baby, with no defenses other than a very pliable bone structure!! (In case, God forbid, someone drops him)

Now, I think only of him. Everything revolves around him now. Even when I drive alone in the car, I'm much more careful because I want to make sure my baby has a mommy for a long time. Funny how I didn't care enough about myself to be a safer driver. I know one day I'll have to find that balance in my life, where I think about my baby, P, and myself. Healthy mommy = healthy baby. But for now, it's so nice and liberating surrendering my life to someone else.