Thursday, December 30, 2010

Baby BOOM!!!

For that past year, all I've been hearing (as well as saying) is..."man, how did everyone end up getting pregnant at the same time???!" It beats the hell out of me. I always say it must've been something in the water. But I honestly have no idea. This baby boom is nuts! And we're not done yet either! I'm still waiting for a couple more to pop early next year. It's been so crazy...swapping pregnancy and motherhood nightmares (I mean, stories). It was definitely in God's plan to have so many of us start families around the same time. I can't wait to see W and all his new friends grow up together! All of us parents can hang out and not worry so much about our kids being different ages. How blessed are we?!

Why do I have a feeling these three will be doing the same thing in 30 years? Beers in hand, watching Monday Night football. Sigh. W already has a beer belly.

This one is more interesting, no? M and W made a dozen different faces during our little photo session. B, on the other hand, stayed pretty much the same with the exception of one yawn. I guess he's just too cool for school.

Here's W, hanging out with his OC gal pal. She's pretty much the new kid on the block, so she don't have much to say just yet. But soon they'll be chattin' it up, just like their mommas.

Just a taste of what our future gatherings will be like when I see my high school friends. The middle one's father is paranoid one of our little boys will date her in the future. Shotgun dad. I think she'd be lucky to end up with any of these little guys! We're missing one member though. (Don't worry, I've got Tylenol)

And finally, here's W with sweet little A. Why is he naked? He was hot!!! I think most babies are cold when they come into this world, but not my baby. He's just like his momma, always hot. He's a little embarrassed about it, I think.

Though it isn't easy, I think having these playdates are soooo important for W on so many levels. Luckily, he's surrounded by lots of babies his age and I doubt he'll have problems filling up his social calendar.

Naughty or Nice?

W's first Christmas It's fast every year, but this year....I need to see pictures to even believe it ever happened. For Christmas Eve, we went to mass in the OC with Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie C. It would've great, only I was super cranky from lack of sleep, what else. And the mother's room at the church...wasn't really a room and the speakers were super loud. It kept upsetting W. Then he was unable to fall asleep in the carrier like he usually does, so I had to walk around in a dark room on the other side of the building and sing lullabies to him. I'm not sure how long I was walking but my already half-size-larger feet hurt so bad, I had to take my shoes off to continue. It was freezing as well and W and I weren't dressed appropriately either. Go mom.

The next morning...we opened presents! P and I haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for several years now. I figure if we want to give each other something...we do it anyway all year long. But I just had to get W something, even though he won't be aware of what it is for a couple of years. I think it's perfect. Passing on the tradition of Star Wars fandom to our son. I love it! And it comes with sandwich cutters on the inside in the shape of the Millenium Falcon and TieFighter. I can't wait to make him PB and Js! W actually got more gifts from strangers than he did from family. I don't know if that makes me sad or relieved. But money is tight these days, so I guess I should be happy that a lot wasn't spent. Besides, I think W liked the Christmas tree the most anyway. He would just stare and stare at those pretty white lights.

Monday, December 20, 2010

100 Large!

Why do Koreans celebrate a baby's 100th day of life? Because back in the day...waaaaay back in the day, many babies never made it to this landmark in time. Perhaps it was before hospitals or advanced medicine existed. Maybe it was the poor nutrition and poverty. I'm always being told by my parents how people were so poor and never had meat to eat, so I should lick my plate clean whenever possible. Whatever the reason, when a baby lived for 100 days, it was a reason to celebrate. Obviously, I would use any excuse to celebrate W. If I could throw a party for every cute thing he did, it would be Mardi Gras 24/7 at my house. Without the boob flashing, of course.

P's mom was in charge of organizing the whole thing. And she did a fabulous job! We had a great family gathering at Uncle E's house for a delicious lunch buffet. She really outdid herself.
It was also really nice to see the family since we missed out on the annual Hahn Thanksgiving feast.

Everything looked so good and so pretty! Thank you, Grandma!!

This is W's OTHER great grandparent. Can you believe it?! He has two! So lucky :)

Both grandmas looked very happy.

Gettin some giggles in before his nap.

All this partying can really wear you out. Isn't he precious?

Man of the hour. Looking so serious.

Auntie C was lovin his H & M outfit. She buys clothes for W from there all the time!

I think he had a good time. Keke.

Oh hello.

I know...what the heck are they doing at the party!? We all took turns being Kristen Stewart. It was hilarious! I suggested they take this cardboard of fun to the next wedding they attend. I think it'll be a hit!

This is my favorite! Notice she has four hands. LOL!! LOVE IT!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wiser or Otherwise

My birthday had a great start. I woke up and went to W's room as usual. These days, I've been having to wake him to keep him on his schedule. I turned on the light and went up to his crib. There he was...lying there, still swaddled and completely awake. He turned his head towards me and gave me the biggest smile!! You know the kind of smile that is so big and wide, your eyes disappear? I wish lightening had struck me then and there because I don't think I'll ever feel as happy as I did at that moment. But it doesn't end there. He let out a super long "cooooooo" and ended it with a yelp. Then proceeded to smile at me again. I know this is silly, but I honestly think he was singing happy birthday to me. Trust me, you had to be there. I knew no matter what happened the rest of that day, I was going to have a great birthday.

A few years ago, I started to see birthdays in a whole new light. I don't think I ever minded getting older. If I ever said..."ugh, another birthday" it was probably because the occasion calls for such cliches and nothing more. I always joke that I'm an old woman on the inside anyway, so really, my age is just trying to catch up with me. Then one day, I realized how lucky I was to be celebrating another birthday. I got to live another year(when so many people don't) and that is truly something that shouldn't be taken for granted. I can dwell on all the awful shit that went down since the last December 15th, but what for? They're all just life lessons after all, right? We may not see God's plan for what it is (let's face it, we're not smart enough), but we should try our best to see how all the pieces fit.

For instance, I gained about 20 lbs. of holiday weight last year. I stopped buttoning my jeans way before the new year began, folks. I could think of that chubby period in my life as depressing, but instead I see it as "harvesting for the winter". Haha! All the nourishment my baby got was from the holiday weight, I'm certain of it. I wasn't eating a thing for the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy and was still not eating well until the very end. So it's quite amazing W was able to grow into the 8 1/2 pound baby he came out to be. See! Everything has it's purpose. Under all the shit and grime we face each day, is the shiny polished surface that is just waiting to be revealed again. We just need to use faith and reason to get to it.

There's also my relationship with my dad. It's no secret that we don't really get along. We used to when I was little, until I got older and wise to who he truly was. When I was pregnant, our relationship got even worse. Being sick and pregnant was more of an inconvenience to him than anyone else, including me!! I spent 9 months training myself to be the complete opposite of him as a parent and person. I was practically laying on the couch for most of that time, so I had a lot of time to think. I figured, there must be a reason for the way things are between us. We're both very stubborn (he more than I) and I don't see a resolution in the near future. I have given that man the benefit of the doubt for so many years and it has brought nothing but disappointment in my corner, time and time again. So it was time to take a new approach. If he's not going to change, than I have to. My mom keeps telling me he's too old to change. She's been saying this for 15 years!!! When is this "age" that allows you to use it as an excuse for being a complete asshole? Do we get a notice in the mail saying "Bam! Now you're 50 and you don't have to improve yourself anymore!" What the heck, right? So the lesson to be learned from our awful relationship is this: I'm so much like my dad and history will repeat itself if I don't do something about it now. I think it's so subliminal how we become our parents, no matter how much we fight or deny it. But there are individuals who make a conscious effort to prevent this and I intend to be one of them. I know I'll fail in many ways but at least I'm willing to try to change, unlike SOME people. My baby deserves the effort. So, yeah. I figure God is trying to warn me and teach me to be better, or else I'll have a child who can't stand me either.

Everything happens for a reason.

This year, I'm especially grateful for my birthday because of W, of course. He would not be here if I were not here, so how can I NOT be in a celebratory mood?! I hope I live to be an extremely old woman so I can watch him grow and live an amazing life. I hope I get to see him fall in love and have children of his own. Then I can truly say that I'm a grandma! Inside and out. And I pray that I get to spend many occasions, walking up and down the aisles at Hallmark, picking out birthday cards for him and P.

P got me this beautiful locket. I love LOOOVE lockets!! I have a photo of W and P inside and it's oh so precious. I love holding it and rubbing the smooth surface between my fingers. My two men, with me always. Thank you P!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I know every parent thinks their baby is the cutest. The truth is...all babies are super cute. I can't wait to hang out with all my mommy friends and their little ones and just be completely overwhelmed with adorableness!! All the pudgy little arms and legs and don't even get me started on the cheeks! I bite W's cheeks at least once a day. I can't resist. I CANNOT!!

These days, everything W does is cute to me. I don't know what has come over me. Perhaps I'm getting used to the sleep deprivation or maybe my hormones are finally balancing out. It might even be that I'm getting the hang of this thing called motherhood. Things aren't exactly easier. They're just...not as stressful. That wheezing noise his nose makes when he sleeps? Used to freak me out and now, I find it adorable. Even when he spits up...adorable. The way he cries when he's tired...adorable! Everything is too freaking adorable!!! I can't handle it. And it's only going to get worse. Wait until he starts laughing and talking. There's only so much cuteness a person can take!!

This is Wesley's going out outfit. Out to the backyard, that is.

Just like his papa, he loves the outdoors.

Look at the progress!! Remember the last tummy time pictures? I can't believe his tiny neck can hold up his big head. All that drool and spit up on our shirts was well worth it.

With a little help, he can hold his head up even higher.

He's a pro at holding his up while sitting upright. It wobbles a bit but it's still impressive, no?

Look how much he's grown since his last bath pictures! Is it possible to lose your baby fat when you're still a baby? I don't know if W enjoys bath time just yet. It seems like he just tolerates it, which is all good to me. As long as he doesn't hate it, I'm happy because he needs his bath. He's my little stinker. And no, it's not a cute nickname. He really does stink at times. Especially his feet. They smell feet. I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't babies smell like fairy dust and all things pure? Apparently not! Cuz my baby can work up a sweat with all his crying and swaddle fighting. And I guess sweat is sweat, no matter who's making it. So thank goodness W lets us bathe him!

So cute! Ahhhhh!!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Thanksgiving with the whole family!!! It's actually a little bit of a blur because I was super tired and I had turkey on the brain. I just remember eating seconds...and possibly thirds.

W's first Thanksgiving...came and went soo fast!

Just like the Pilgrims and Indians did way back when, we had kimchee with our Thanksgiving meal.

W, meet your GREAT-grandmother! Holy cow! I barely had regular grandparents.

I know I complain a lot on this blog. Hey, it's what I'm good at. But at the end of the day, I know how blessed I am.

First of all, I still have my parents. They do test my patience on an daily (more like hourly) basis and we squabble more than the average family, but theyare still here and I'm ever so grateful for that. I'm especially grateful that I still have my mom. Future post on her to come, btw. Being a mother myself has really forced me to step into her past and I find myself constantly wondering if my mom felt the same way I do with my baby. Lucky for me, I can get answers to my many ponderings because she is here now. Soon I'll be making spaghetti for my son, just the way my mom did for me every week!! So surreal.

Next, I have a roof over my head. Yes, it would be nice to have a roof that "we" own, but you know what? We've been pretty fortunate to have a place to stay so that we could pay for our wedding (which was awesome) and for our honeymoon (which was awesomer!!). Most importantly, it has allowed us to save up for W's arrival and for a down payment. My folks were gracious enough not to charge us rent during our entire invasion. And invade we did.

We have the best dog in the universe. No joke. I've had dogs my whole life (9 in total) and I can honestly that we hit the jackpot with Bug. I'm so thankful that his previous owners were such imbeciles and gave him away. Some people are so dumb. He's smart, cute as hell and funnier than most people I know. He doesn't smell. He's potty-trained. He has a raspy bark you never get sick of. And he can cuddle like there's no tomorrow. He even regulates his own foodportions!!! If you think about it, if he were human, he'd be the perfect man~!

Though I'm no bionic woman, I am still grateful for my health. You always hear it.."at least I have my health." Well, I don't have to be a dying old woman to know how true this is! Pregnancy alone was so debilitating, I can't even imagine what life is like when you are permanently disabled. I couldn't even get out of bed without building up some momentum first. As of right now, I can still put my arms around my husband. I can still snowboard...sort of. I can still climb onto the kitchen counter to reach the top shelf. I can still drive around town and run my errands. I can still knit! And most gratefully, I can still pick up my baby to hold when he cries. Fleeting as it may be, I'm thankful for all that my health allows me to do.

And then, there is my husband. My wonderful WONDERFUL husband who never ceases to amaze me with his never-ending patience. When you're married to me, patience is a must. Isn't that right, P? While I bring passion and humor to the relationship, I often feel I bring little else. Everything I lack, P embodies. We really make anamazing team because of this. (I secretly want to enter us into the Amazing Race, but I'm too much of a chickenshit to do it.) And I can't imagine the last 13 years of my life without him. I probably would have been obliviously bored, living day to day, all by my lonesome. I say "oblivious" because as an only child, I have no problems being alone and to this day, I still relish a little solitude every now and then. But I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself, "I would not have experienced this if it had not been for him." And that is the truth. Thank you P, for making my life so grand!

Last, but ABSOLUTELY NOT LEAST! there is W. What can I say except that he is the most surprising and joyful part of my life. I will wake up grouchy from the lack of sleep but as soon as I see that sweet little face looking up at me, it's over. I'm completely undone and he has won. Talk about power. I can't believe we made him!! That he is half P and half me! It's so incredible that one of us has to say that very sentiment at least once a day. It's THAT incredible. I hope we never take W for granted. I hope even when he is throwing a tantrum in the middle of Target, I remember how we felt when he first arrived and how he had us scratching our heads as to how we could be sooo lucky!

What I desire are the simple things in life...and trust me when I say this, just because they are simple, it doesn't make them easier to obtain. Especially in this day and age. I just want each day to be filled some happiness, a lot of laughter and the occasional irony for kicks. I feel as though I have this.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Two months old already!!!?? NOOOOO! He's growing so fast. Even with the enormous amount of photos we take, I can't truly document how quickly he's growing. W had his 2 month check up and it's official. He's a porker! I guess eating fistfuls of peanut M & Ms wasn't such a good idea. I couldn't help it!!! Nine months of chocolate deprivation is bound to catch up in a bad way. But I think I'm over it. For now anyway. I will refrain as best I can for my baby. Only nutritious and healthy food for me and baby. Hey, maybe now I'll actually lose some weight like you're supposed to when you're breastfeeding.

So.....remember how I said no feeding schedule for us? Well, I meant it at the time. Really, I did. But Auntie C told me that it'll be better in the long run if we start now. So I'm going to give it another go. So far, W has been compliant with my demands but I can't help but wonder if he's happy.

Some tummy time with mommy :)

The holidays are among us and I can't wait for W to spend some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. I can't wait to see they jaws drop when they see how huge he is! First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First New Year's. I'm loving all these "firsts" and I'm reminded of how strange it is to have this new person in our lives. It's going to be so amazing experiencing everyday life through W's eyes. There's so much we take for granted, most of which is due to fatigue and lack of time. But having a baby makes you slow down and look at the details. Figures, it would take a baby for me to learn to take a deep breath.

Auntie C, all smitten.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Manic Monday

Spent the whole day yesterday trying to get W to sleep. I don't think he slept more than 2 hours total the entire time!! I'd feed with him....wrap him up and put him in his crib like always. Only he would cry his ass off the second his tush touched the mattress. So I'd rock him in my arms, which is no easy feat, by the way. He weighs a good 13 lbs. and after about 30 seconds of swaying this way and that, you feel like you're arms are going to detach from their sockets. Why don't you try using the baby swing. Um...duh. Like I haven't tried?!! If you don't have anything helpful to say...just shut up. Anyway, it turns out he was having a growth spurt. So instead of sleeping...he just wants to eat again. And again. And again. The good part, of course, was that he passed the eff out later that night!! Which means a good 3 hours of sleep for me!! Mr. Sandman, give me a frickin dream!

"Get. In. My. Belly!!!!" Growth spurt or glutton. You decide.

Here's W doing tummy time. Clearly, he's taking a break.

Good effort, son. Good effort.

W has also been staying up longer during the day. Not really fussing..but just being awake. Which is fine except with babies, you always feel a bit like you're auditioning. Does he like me? Am I funny? Am I entertaining? Oh gosh, am I being boring? What else can I do to keep you happy? Honestly, it's exhausting!!

Sometimes, he's good just hanging out by himself, but it doesn't last long. He's still smiling and cooing, but he's also starting to giggle a little!! It's not a full-blown laugh just yet...but you can totally tell he's trying to get his chest behind it. So cute! And I can already tell he's gonna be a big chatterbox! He's making vowel sounds "ooooh. aaay-oh" and moving his mouth trying so hard to get words out. The other night...he just P. Not any words that are comprehensible to us, of course. But it was more than just one sound at a time. He just spit out a few sentences of baby talk in his sweet little voice. Like he was just commenting on the weather or something. Our jaws dropped. He hasn't chatted us up since...but what a glimpse. :)

"What on God's earth are you talking about?" (I get this look a lot)

I guess the biggest thing on our minds these days, other than the baby, is finding a home for us....just us. It's no big secret that we want to move out of my parents' house. But after W came along, the desperation has reached an all-time high. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to breastfeed while living with people you can't be topless around?!?! They don't tell you that in those nursing books.
Must live with people who can see your boobs. I mean, I'm confined to the baby room pretty much the entire day because of this inconvenience. I even had a lock installed because my folks don't know what it means to knock before entering. Even when they do knock, they don't wait for you to say come in or stay out. That is just one example of how they are slowing trying to drive me insane. It's bad enough my folks make me crazy, but to be confined to a small room with too much furniture and no's become a prison for me. I daydream of playing with W in a sunlit living room or walking the neighborhood every afternoon with stroller in one hand and dog leash in the other. Mostly I just pack, mentally. *sigh*

So, P and I have been looking for this dream oasis called Freedom. It's the perfect time to buy, too. But our budget doesn't permit us many options. And my frugality has peaked beyond belief. Every dollar we spend is like pulling teeth to me. I keep thinking...that dollar could be going towards our future home. With the holidays coming up and all these random events, we just keep spending and it KILLS me. I spent this past year sacrificing my own celebrations to save up for our baby. We didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, totally skipped my first Mother's Day, and did squat for our wedding anniversary. And I'm a sentimental fool to say the least, so giving up such celebrations was no easy thing for me. In fact, it was downright depressing. But I have half a mind to do the same with my birthday next month. Dinner with friends...or a house of our own. Hmmm...let me waste a few minutes to contemplate the obvious. That's how BADLY I want to move out. Other than the baby, this is what keeps me up at night. If I could go back in time for one hour, it would be to tell my younger self how insanely difficult it is to live with our parents and to start saving every single penny....cuz you're gonna want to move out PRONTO!

Here he is, wearing stuff I knit for him.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Growing Pains

They DO grow up fast! You hear people say that all the time but there's nothing to prepares you for it. Everyday, something about W is different, whether it's his face, his cry or even his behavior. It's the speediest yet most gradual phenomenon I've ever witnessed. Most of the time, I can't remember what or how we dealt with the baby the day before!! Parenthood is simply the art of constant adjustment.

It's been a couple of weeks since he started to smile in response to our silly faces! Oh the joy!! It literally breaks my heart a little bit at a time each time I see that adorable smirk! And it's so addicting, I find myself doing all sorts of ridiculous things (dancing, singing made-up songs) just to make him do it again. That has to be the most exciting development to date. He did giggle once with his daddy, but we haven't been able to muster another one out of him since then. But soon...very soon....I can feel it.

My latest struggle is dealing with the 3-hour feeding schedule W's on. There were a couple of days where he was eating every 4 hours. What a tease. That's like saying I have 24 hours to diffuse a bomb and then realizing the timer says 5 minutes! The night feedings are the most brutal. W is so sleepy sometimes, I could be sitting there for 45 minutes trying to wake the poor guy up just to finish. And trust me, you want him to finish. Otherwise, get ready to wake up in an hour. The trick is to wake him just enough to eat...but not so much that he's alert and ready to play. The same goes for those diaper changes. They really need to do something about those velcro snaps. Might as well sound the alarm, damn things are so loud.

And he appears to be going through constant growth spurts. He's already huge for his age, I don't understand why he's in such a hurry to get big. He's only 7 weeks old and already wearing 3-month old baby clothes!! He's so big I keep thinking he can sit up by himself, only to see his big head flop forward suddenly. We're doing plenty of tummy time because he's gonna need NFL-sized neck muscles to hold up that big noggin of his.

For the past few weeks, I went through such turmoil trying to implement a feeding schedule for the little guy. Supposedly babies are happiest when on a routine. Makes sense, no? Who doesn't feel secure knowing that they will be guaranteed their next meal, right? Unfortunately, his tummy always beats me to the next scheduled feeding and it just snowballs from there. So I give up. I'm just feeding on demand. And demand he does.

Oh yeah, an update about the crying. He still cries to sleep, but mostly it's during his fussy time or when he's super tired. We tried to let him cry it out and it was going good for a while there. And when I say going good, I mean going good FOR US. I don't know if it was because I was feeling detached from my new baby or what, but I didn't have as much trouble listening to him cry before. Now when I hear him cry, it's like someone is ripping my heart out ever so slowly. The same goes for P. It's so awful to hear and to know that he's miserable, sad or lonely. Truthfully, I think he's just tired and fighting sleep. Either way, it sucks and it isn't long before we're in there soothing him. There was one time when we weren't sure if he was tired or hungry. After 10 gut-wrenching minutes, I went in and picked him up. He stopped crying immediately and gave me this look like he was saying, "Why did you ignore me? Don't you love me? I'm so hungry. Where were you?" I'll be accepting my award for WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR now, thank you very much. Honestly, I think I died a little. I will never forget the look he gave me, that cute little face with his wet eyes blinking up at me. *sigh* Sorry, baby.

I hope one day soon I will be able to tell the difference in his many cries. But it's hard because even those are changing. His cries are more grown up now. And P says it's getting harder and harder to hear him cry because he's starting to be more like a person and less like a newborn. Before, it was just eat and sleep, eat and sleep. No interaction or reaction. Now, he smiles and coos at us, looks around and pays attention to the toys we put in front of him. It's getting to be really fun. And now we know he feels more than just hunger pains. He's actually happy at times! So when he cries, it's hard not to think that he's UNHAPPY, see what I'm getting at? Love hurts.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sweet Surrender

I know what you're thinking. When did this blog become a baby blog?! Well, it's not. But seeing as how I don't leave the house and don't do anything other than nurse the baby, I don't see any "non-baby" posts happening in the near future. Besides...look at this face...why would I waste my time blogging about anything else?!!?

This morning...I found a spider hanging out on the wall above W's crib. Just staring at my precious little baby with his trillion eyes. I can tell you blood pressure shot up like a rocket! Normally, I'd yell for P to kill it because I hate HATE HATE!! spiders, but I swatted that thing so fast as if it was carrying the plague. To think!!! This little piece of shit was gonna bite my baby!!! I thought Wolverine blades were gonna grow out of my knuckles!! I was that angry. I looked down at W's peaceful and so in his little crib with mommy standing by. It made me, if a little spider brought the mamabear out of me, I can't even imagine how I'm gonna feel when I have to drop him off at preschool the first day!! I'm probably gonna sit in the car and cry all day. Maybe even take the day off of work (if I ever find a job).

There's so much out in this big scary world that I want to protect him from. Like the first time some dumb kid makes fun of him. Or the first time he gets his heart broken. The many scrapes and bruises he'll get from exploring and playing. I wish I could hover next to him, shielding and blocking all that might harm him. But I know I can't. The best thing I can do is allow him to experience all that life has to offer, even if it hurts sometimes. I have so much admiration for my parents for letting me live my life without ever feeling restricted because of what they feared might happen. Although there was one time I came home early the next morning after having fallen asleep at a friend's house. My mom was in the kitchen, about to faint thinking something had happened to me. Turns out she called every local hospital to see if I had been in an accident. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be just like her??

As I watched him sleep this morning, I was astounded by how concerned I was about him. I know it sounds stupid. He's my baby after all. And I'm his mommy. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Duh!!'s been just me my whole life. I'm an only child with only myself to think of. I'm fully aware of my selfishness and self-centered ways. No amount of toys or pets could replace what a sibling can teach you. I know this and have spent the better part of my life trying to outgrow my onlychildness. (Progress so far? Ask me again in 10 years) Even with P, as much as I love him and as paranoid as I am that something will happen to him, I at least know he can take care of himself. But W is just a helpless little baby, with no defenses other than a very pliable bone structure!! (In case, God forbid, someone drops him)

Now, I think only of him. Everything revolves around him now. Even when I drive alone in the car, I'm much more careful because I want to make sure my baby has a mommy for a long time. Funny how I didn't care enough about myself to be a safer driver. I know one day I'll have to find that balance in my life, where I think about my baby, P, and myself. Healthy mommy = healthy baby. But for now, it's so nice and liberating surrendering my life to someone else.