My birthday had a great start. I woke up and went to W's room as usual. These days, I've been having to wake him to keep him on his schedule. I turned on the light and went up to his crib. There he was...lying there, still swaddled and completely awake. He turned his head towards me and gave me the biggest smile!! You know the kind of smile that is so big and wide, your eyes disappear? I wish lightening had struck me then and there because I don't think I'll ever feel as happy as I did at that moment. But it doesn't end there. He let out a super long "cooooooo" and ended it with a yelp. Then proceeded to smile at me again. I know this is silly, but I honestly think he was singing happy birthday to me. Trust me, you had to be there. I knew no matter what happened the rest of that day, I was going to have a great birthday.
A few years ago, I started to see birthdays in a whole new light. I don't think I ever minded getting older. If I ever said..."ugh, another birthday" it was probably because the occasion calls for such cliches and nothing more. I always joke that I'm an old woman on the inside anyway, so really, my age is just trying to catch up with me. Then one day, I realized how lucky I was to be celebrating another birthday. I got to live another year(when so many people don't) and that is truly something that shouldn't be taken for granted. I can dwell on all the awful shit that went down since the last December 15th, but what for? They're all just life lessons after all, right? We may not see God's plan for what it is (let's face it, we're not smart enough), but we should try our best to see how all the pieces fit.
For instance, I gained about 20 lbs. of holiday weight last year. I stopped buttoning my jeans way before the new year began, folks. I could think of that chubby period in my life as depressing, but instead I see it as "harvesting for the winter". Haha! All the nourishment my baby got was from the holiday weight, I'm certain of it. I wasn't eating a thing for the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy and was still not eating well until the very end. So it's quite amazing W was able to grow into the 8 1/2 pound baby he came out to be. See! Everything has it's purpose. Under all the shit and grime we face each day, is the shiny polished surface that is just waiting to be revealed again. We just need to use faith and reason to get to it.
There's also my relationship with my dad. It's no secret that we don't really get along. We used to when I was little, until I got older and wise to who he truly was. When I was pregnant, our relationship got even worse. Being sick and pregnant was more of an inconvenience to him than anyone else, including me!! I spent 9 months training myself to be the complete opposite of him as a parent and person. I was practically laying on the couch for most of that time, so I had a lot of time to think. I figured, there must be a reason for the way things are between us. We're both very stubborn (he more than I) and I don't see a resolution in the near future. I have given that man the benefit of the doubt for so many years and it has brought nothing but disappointment in my corner, time and time again. So it was time to take a new approach. If he's not going to change, than I have to. My mom keeps telling me he's too old to change. She's been saying this for 15 years!!! When is this "age" that allows you to use it as an excuse for being a complete asshole? Do we get a notice in the mail saying "Bam! Now you're 50 and you don't have to improve yourself anymore!" What the heck, right? So the lesson to be learned from our awful relationship is this: I'm so much like my dad and history will repeat itself if I don't do something about it now. I think it's so subliminal how we become our parents, no matter how much we fight or deny it. But there are individuals who make a conscious effort to prevent this and I intend to be one of them. I know I'll fail in many ways but at least I'm willing to try to change, unlike SOME people. My baby deserves the effort. So, yeah. I figure God is trying to warn me and teach me to be better, or else I'll have a child who can't stand me either.
Everything happens for a reason.
This year, I'm especially grateful for my birthday because of W, of course. He would not be here if I were not here, so how can I NOT be in a celebratory mood?! I hope I live to be an extremely old woman so I can watch him grow and live an amazing life. I hope I get to see him fall in love and have children of his own. Then I can truly say that I'm a grandma! Inside and out. And I pray that I get to spend many occasions, walking up and down the aisles at Hallmark, picking out birthday cards for him and P.
P got me this beautiful locket. I love LOOOVE lockets!! I have a photo of W and P inside and it's oh so precious. I love holding it and rubbing the smooth surface between my fingers. My two men, with me always. Thank you P!