This morning...I found a spider hanging out on the wall above W's crib. Just staring at my precious little baby with his trillion eyes. I can tell you blood pressure shot up like a rocket! Normally, I'd yell for P to kill it because I hate HATE HATE!! spiders, but I swatted that thing so fast as if it was carrying the plague. To think!!! This little piece of shit was gonna bite my baby!!! I thought Wolverine blades were gonna grow out of my knuckles!! I was that angry. I looked down at W's face...so peaceful and so small....safe in his little crib with mommy standing by. It made me think...man, if a little spider brought the mamabear out of me, I can't even imagine how I'm gonna feel when I have to drop him off at preschool the first day!! I'm probably gonna sit in the car and cry all day. Maybe even take the day off of work (if I ever find a job).
There's so much out in this big scary world that I want to protect him from. Like the first time some dumb kid makes fun of him. Or the first time he gets his heart broken. The many scrapes and bruises he'll get from exploring and playing. I wish I could hover next to him, shielding and blocking all that might harm him. But I know I can't. The best thing I can do is allow him to experience all that life has to offer, even if it hurts sometimes. I have so much admiration for my parents for letting me live my life without ever feeling restricted because of what they feared might happen. Although there was one time I came home early the next morning after having fallen asleep at a friend's house. My mom was in the kitchen, about to faint thinking something had happened to me. Turns out she called every local hospital to see if I had been in an accident. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be just like her??
As I watched him sleep this morning, I was astounded by how concerned I was about him. I know it sounds stupid. He's my baby after all. And I'm his mommy. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Duh!! But...it's been just me my whole life. I'm an only child with only myself to think of. I'm fully aware of my selfishness and self-centered ways. No amount of toys or pets could replace what a sibling can teach you. I know this and have spent the better part of my life trying to outgrow my onlychildness. (Progress so far? Ask me again in 10 years) Even with P, as much as I love him and as paranoid as I am that something will happen to him, I at least know he can take care of himself. But W is just a helpless little baby, with no defenses other than a very pliable bone structure!! (In case, God forbid, someone drops him)
Now, I think only of him. Everything revolves around him now. Even when I drive alone in the car, I'm much more careful because I want to make sure my baby has a mommy for a long time. Funny how I didn't care enough about myself to be a safer driver. I know one day I'll have to find that balance in my life, where I think about my baby, P, and myself. Healthy mommy = healthy baby. But for now, it's so nice and liberating surrendering my life to someone else.