Saturday, March 24, 2012

Always On My Mind

He's come a long way, my son has. Bearded old man in red suit is terrifying. But a freakishly large bunny with, in my opinion, scary eyes is totally normal according to W. Go figure.

W is 1 1/2 years old and it still hits me....omg, he's mine. I'm a mommy and I have to raise this whole other person so he doesn't end up being a deranged maniac! Just kidding. I don't actually think that unless I've watched a marathon of Law and Order SVU. But I do occasionally feel the weight of being a parent. Especially when we playing with other children. I observe the strange way kids communicate and rashness of their actions and I'll admit it, kids terrify me.

I guess it's more about who they will become and how what we do now to influence them when they're still so young that makes my stomach tie up in knots. Am I making the right decisions? Is this the very best I can do for W? If I mess up (and I have so many times already), will he remember? Will this damage him? Is he happy? Could he be happier? Endless self-torturing questions like these flood my mind whenever I have a free moment.

And when I'm not thinking about that stuff, I'm having nightmares about W going missing, or someone trying to snatch him while we're at Target. I am constantly reminding myself that I have to drop whatever it is I'm holding and go after the assailant with both arms swinging. Drop and swing. Drop and swing. Kick. Kick. Kick!! Eyes. Nose. Nuts. Those are my target. Should I be wearing steel-toed shoes, just in case? Would it be crude to wear a T-shirt that says, 'Touch my son and die'? Is it illegal to implant GPS tracking on our children??

Sigh. So this is love, huh?

Don't worry. W does not live in a bubble. He doesn't have a leash. I love when strangers talk to him and humor him. I let him wander around, even out of line of sight. He's always babbling so I know he's there. When he falls and looks to me, asking, "should I cry?" I've stopped running over to him each time. I just clap my hands and say, "Yay! That was a good fall!!" I no longer sweep him up and smother him with kisses until he whines. I wait for him to come to me. I discipline more now, though it's still not often because he's good most of the time. He's really growing up and I am already bracing myself for the day he leaves me for the real world.

I wonder if my own mother had these feelings about me. But I won't ask ever because a part of me already knows the answer.

Today, I heard him call me "mommy" for the first time!! Typically, I'm "mmm-meee" and sometimes "ham-mee." And when he's hungry, he says "um-ma" or "ma-ma." He picked up on "da-da" a long time ago and I've figured out why. I'm always with him. So there's really no need to call for me. If he needs me, he needs only turn around and walk 5 feet. Just like that. But more and more, I've been getting a couple hours to myself here and there (it's freaking awesome!). And our reunion is so sweet!!! I miss him sooo much in that short amount of time, jealous that I've missed out on whatever cuteness he's doing. When I finally see him again, he gets this huge grin on his face and points to me, saying "mmmm-meee!" It's the best.

As for #2, I know we should be working on this. After all, I absolutely do not want W to be an only child! But I have fears. Major fears about the pregnancy. Everybody is terrified of the thought of having to take care of multiple children. I'm not. I simply accept the fact that I will be overwhelmed, going crazy and crying occasionally. No problem. But what if I'm sick as a dog like I was when I was pregnant with W? That would be a nightmare!!! Not just for me, but for W as well. He would be cheated of a good mother. I don't even think I could change his diapers if I end up being as sensitive again. Poor W. Help? What help? Who?!!! I'm not lucky like my friends, with their moms and mother-in-laws, watching their kids and cooking for them. No sir, not me. It's just been me and W from day 1. And that's not going to change any time soon, sadly.

What to do, what to do..... should we go for #2??

I think I have my answer. LOL!! Holy cow. Did your ovaries burst, too? Ahhhh!!! Tooo cute!!!

1 comment:

  1. Just do it! It's only going to get worse as you get older!
    By the way, the Easter bunny really freaks me out. That is why Eggy has never met him.