Sunday, October 6, 2013

Me Me Me!!!

I finally did it.  I got a perm.  A wave actually.  A negative ion wave.  I think I've been wanting a perm for about 5 years.  Maybe longer...but there was always a reason.  Money, time, fear and the fact that I was told it wasn't possible to get the kind of look I wanted.  I guess times have changed because I walked into the salon and told them, "look, I wanna look like I just rolled out of bed.  Messy waves.  No ramen noodles on my head.  Can you do this?"  And she's all, " You mean bed-head?"  Say what!?  I didn't know Miss FOB knew what bed head was.  Three hours later....Voila!

You like?  Well, I like.  It's exactly what I wanted.  It's much less maintenance than my naturally straight (but not stick-straight) hair.  And it holds ponytails better and makes me look less dowdy and frumpy.  Who wouldn't like that kind of improvement, right?

I decided that I need to take better care of myself.  I'm not talking about exercising and eating right.  That is a given and I've already been doing that.  I'm talking about doing the things that bring me happiness and pampering myself once in a while.  It's so easy to let go of yourself, body and mind, when you have a family to care for.  You come last.  If we go anywhere, I feed and prep the kids and hubby is upstairs getting himself ready.  Half an hour later, everyone is dressed and ready to go and I'm still crusty-faced with sulfurous breath and wearing my ahjuma pjs from Korea.  Obviously being who I am, I hate the idea that people are waiting for me, so I basically skip any and all primping and wear the same outfit I've been wearing for the last week (smell check first) and I wash my face, brush my teeth and if I'm lucky, I put lotion on.  This is not a way to live.  Sometimes when we're out as a family, I feel like people see my boys and my husband and they think...."awwww, look a father and his boys...and their nanny."  Seriously, I think this.

And all this self-negligence can make you resentful.  Where did I go?  Who am I?  And how in the world do I get back?  I read this article about a lady who went to the doctor's and found out she had cancer.  When she got back home, she saw her family in the backyard, playing in the pool, having so much fun and living life to it's fullest. And then it hit her.  She was so focused on creating this great environment for them that she ignored her own well-being.  She realized that her family would function fine even if she took a little time for herself.  And so, that's what she did.  And she got better.  What drives me as a mom... as any other parent in the world, is my love for my family.  But right after that would come guilt.  I can't do anything for myself without feeling guilty.  And I know for a fact that many moms feel this way.  That we should be at their beckon call and drop whatever we're doing at a moment's notice.  You cook what they want, you buy what they want, etc.   You do this because you want them to be happy.  It's amazing to see their happiness.

But here's the truth.  This may sound selfish because it is.  But it's not enough to live for your family.  You end up being this singular role and, therefore, unbalanced.  And I think in the end, you take away from your family by not being well-rounded and happy.  I know some would say..."well don't your kids make you happy?  Aren't they enough? what more is there?"  To that, I would say that it's a very naive notion.  It's hard to know what you're children are thinking or know what their needs are if you don't address the fact that you once had those same thoughts and needs as well.  You become a robot.  One day, they will be 35 years old like I am now.  And I would like to be able to think back and remember what my mindset was at this age so that I can be a guide to them, if they ever needed me to be.  I don't want to think that I was only a mother and all I did was change diapers and make baby food.  What good will that do for them later?

Great example.  We have annual passes to Disneyland.  We've gone quite a few times already.  But getting ready is a marathon.  Each time I get better but you really have to know how to hustle.  There were a few times when it was really hot and crowded and just plain miserable.  And for each of those days, I got sunburned. Bad.  Why?  Because while everyone else gets sunblocked,  I forget to put it on myself.  It's the back of my mind.  But waaaaay back.  Know what I'm saying?  There are a thousand other things I need to do and think about before my own protection against skin cancer. By the time we get in the car, I'm sweating worse than a pig.  You would think, once a lobster...I would remember to put that greasy stuff on.  But again, that's how much crap I have on my mind just to get us ready for a one simple trip to Disneyland.

I'm not saying I'm going go start a rock band or do travel photography for a living, leaving my family behind.  All I'm saying is that... so what if I do?  I need to think like that a little more.  Then maybe the human race will let me be a citizen again.

This is a cell phone pic.  And please don't ask what I'm wearing.

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