I'm Back.

A lot can happen in eight months. Is it me or are my absences getting longer and longer each time? I think was ready to give up on this. Don't get me wrong. Documenting photographically is still very much a priority. That's the easy part. But all the editing and journaling....it's exhausting. I wish I could just extract thoughts from my brain like they do in Harry Potter and be done with it. Alas, that is not a reality. I've been away long enough. So, here goes.

 I'll start with N. My N is two and half years old now. And he's doing great. Really great. He still gets a lot of therapy, both at home and in office. And he's such a great student so his progress is more than we could've hoped for. Is he in the clear?? That's the real pressing question, right? I'd say no. His doctor thinks that he is definitely on the spectrum. He had a recent doctor's visit and I asked flat out, "Do you think he's autistic?" She said that without a doubt, yes. Bam. I don't know why I was surprised by this when it's still pretty clear to me that yes, he has SOMETHING. But I guess it's still hard to hear. It's not an official diagnosis but she IS an expert and this is pretty much what her work revolves around so, yeah. It's hard to refute. I was a little sad after that visit. I think I'm still sad. We still need to get the official tests done and get it on paper. But I won't be getting my hopes up that it'll say anything different than what she said.

 I will say this much. I'm more determined now than ever to help him in his journey. He's so close. At times, it's hard to believe that it's anything more than motor delay. Either way, I'm so proud of all he's accomplished. You should see him in this toddler class he joined. It's only once a week and I stay with him. N loooooves it! And his teacher Miss Michelle is the most perfect teacher. He loved her instantly. If I just mention that we're going to see her, he drops what he's doing and marches straight to her door. My heart just swells at the sight of him enjoying circle time and singing the songs (which he learned REAL quick). His favorite...

I love you so much
I love you so much
I can't even tell you how much I love you
You're special to me
You're special to me
I'm lucky to have you as part of my life.
I love you I love you I love you
I love you I love you I love you
I love you so much
I love you so much
I can't even tell you how much I love you

 You gotta hear it. It's simple yet so loving. All the kids sit in their mommies' laps and you just kinda hold them as you sing, ending with a big hug. It's my favorite part of the class. In some ways I feel as though this class saved me. For a while there, it was like being stuck on an island while cruise ships filled with people sailed by. I would say prison, sometimes I do. But it's more for emphasis than accuracy. I still get to play with my beautiful son and watch each step of his growth. Sometimes though, you just need to be around other people. Other moms. And this simple 2.5 hour class provided that. In fact, I made a couple of mommy friends. Priceless. We'll be back in class in the fall and I can't wait.

 Let's talk W. W is a man now. No really. He's matured so much in so many ways that I think I need a to write a few entries about just him. Of course, he still has his occasional meltdowns. But if I were to be completely honest, a lot of the times it's my fault. We expect a lot from him because of N. We expect him to be another caregiver when he's only 4!! He's so sweet and loving in nature, we just sort of thought he would be natural at it. And he's a great big brother. N is really lucky. WE are really lucky. Nevertheless, he's only in preschool, for Pete's sake. Gotta remember that.

 The first half the of school, he'd be playing with the girls AND the boys when I picked him up. Most of the time, with the girls. Now, however, he's always running at full speed with the boys, shooting guns and talking spy nonsense. It's great while being totally alarming at the same time. WHEN did this happen?! It's like innocence was lost while I was shopping at Ralphs! He's no longer the shy, gentle little boy we knew. He's all boy now. Rowdy. Hyper. Tough. And a little stinky. A part of me is happy for the change. Makes me feel like I have just a little less to worry about. And he started Hapkido about a month ago. So, I guess we will soon see his aggression grow.

 That's not why we put him in Hapkido. Not trying to raise a bully. He just needed to do something active. Soccer was a complete bust. Remember that? And I really don't want to sit in the sun while watching sports this summer. So, Hapkido it is. P did Hapkido as a child and he said it taught him to meditate and focus. Perfect. Where do I sign?? W totally needs to learn to focus. But more than that, he is absolutely horrible at listening to instructions. I think he gets this from me. I'm kinda bad about listening. I mean, when I'm there, I'm all there. But let's face it, I'm hardly ever really anywhere anymore. W and I have wandering minds. Moving a million miles an hour but in no general direction. Haha! See. I'm self-aware.

 Even W's teachers told us that he really grew up during the year and that he is absolutely wonderful. Can you see me bursting with pride from over there? I'm sure it helps to be in a class with a few absolute terrors to have your child look like an angel. I don't care. They love him. And I love them for loving him.

 N is copying W more than ever now. Sometimes I can see W getting annoyed with this. But not because it's annoying. Mostly because he's selfish. He's four. But he still makes N laugh a lot. More than we ever could. They really do love each other. And I can see their bond growing and an alliance forming against us. Do I sound paranoid enough for you? I think this is natural though. I have no siblings but I can only too easily imagine the trouble we'd stir up against my folks. Strength in numbers, right? Sometimes, when I'm yelling at one of them, the other will come to their defense. It's crazy cute and I only see it as a testament of their bond. Nothing more.

 Before you go thinking things are rainbows and unicorns at our house, just stop. They fight. No fists yet, but some hitting and definitely some pushing. N's a hitter so it only adds to the madness. At first, W was real good about restraining himself from hitting back. But the whole "he's only a baby" thing can only fly for so long. I think he's figured out that N is no longer a baby. They're practically the same size now. Once N is potty-trained, all bet's are off. You wait. UFC here we come.