Thursday, January 31, 2013

Trial and Error...And Madness

So, remember how W used to fight his sleep as a newborn?  It was misery.  Pure freakin misery.  And I still don't know for sure who was more miserable, him or us.  Well, I regret ever complaining about it because it turns out there's a whole nother level of misery shoved underneath that one.  Sucks balls!!!  N not only fights his sleep, he doesn't sleep for more than an hour at a time.  He hates his crib and wants to be held and rocked to sleep.  But wait, it gets better.  You have to walk around holding him.  God forbid you sit down in a rocking chair... you know, to "rock."  Nope, gotta walk.  Gotta walk my fat ass back and forth in a small room, in the dark while holding him as he snoozes away.  This is barely tolerable during the day when I'm awake.  The middle of the night is truly a test of patience.  I can see why enemies attack at 4 o'clock in the morning.  There is no normal functioning going at that time.

Let's try to see the brighter side of things as well.  Otherwise I'd go crazy, right?  Okay, so here goes.  Nursing is getting easier.  N eats much faster now so I don't have to do those hour-long sessions.  I was dangerously close to dropping him a couple times because I had fallen asleep while nursing at night.  He's gaining weight and looking more and more like W every day.  If I didn't look at their pictures side by side, I think it would take me a second to figure who I was looking at.  Crazy.  What else?  Oh!  He smiled!!!  He smiled at P 3 times in a row and tried to coo at him.  He smiled at me just now, too, but we also smelled something rotten. So I'm pretty sure he was fart-smiling. He's starting to stay awake more, which is a bit of a relief because I don't know how you'd fix their days and nights if all he wanted to do was sleep all the time!!  And I hate to admit this, but I feel a tinge of jealousy when I watch him sleep.  Only because I'm THAT tired.  Jealous of my sleeping newborn son.  The shame.  

Awake and checking out his mommy's face (or camera)
This is N at one month.  Smiling in his sleep. Why the yarn?  Why not?!
W loves being face to face with the baby.  If only he would stop touching him with his booger finger.
What do you think?  Next year's Christmas card?  LOL!  He'd kill me!

Right now, we are conflicted with the whole CIO and No-Cry Sleep Solution.  We made W cry it out so much, we're not sure we didn't damage him.  So we decided with the next baby, we weren't going to do that.  But here we are again, at our wits end, letting N cry.  It's the most horrible sound.  I HATE  THE SOUND OF BABIES CRYING!!!!   I've always hated it.  Never able to ignore them when we're out. In fact, in my version of hell, there are babies crying all around me, while I stand in an unmoving line for the bathroom, in the heat and wearing heels for all of eternity.  You know when people say, "oh it'll be different when it's your baby.  You won't mind the sound so much."  SHUT UP!  It's worse because it's coming from my baby, you idiot!  I would definitely use a time machine to go back and smack that person in the face.  (if you can't tell, I'm incredibly tired and cranky.  N has been crying on and off for the last few hours and I don't know why.)

One major blessing through this crying ordeal is that W can't hear it when he's sleeping.  We always have white noise playing in the background and it totally blocks out N's crying even though they are one wall apart.  Thank you, Jesus!  Every day I kiss W on the head and thank him for being such a good boy and sleeping through the night.  Again, a tinge of jealousy that he gets to sleep.  Shame.  Shame.  Shame.  

It's only been a couple of years since W was a little bitty baby.  So you think I'd remember what it was like to deal with these newborn issues.  But I don't remember much at all!!!  In fact, I'm surprised at how frustrated and lost I feel with these issues.  I find myself asking these same questions and am completely baffled that the answers don't come to me naturally.  Again, I'm sure it's because I'm so tired.  What the hell am I doing blogging if I'm so tired, right?   Well, I can't stand regret more than that I can't stand being this tired and I'll be damned if I don't keep some sort of record of what life was like as a mom of two babies.  Besides, my baby is crying and there's no sleeping with that sound in my ear.

Hopefully in a few months, this will pass and N will be a much better sleeper.  If anything, that is the one trait I hope he has in common with his big brother.  Two good sleeping kids.  Is that a myth?  Can it become a reality?  God, I hope so.  

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