Naughty or Nice?

W's first Christmas was....fast. It's fast every year, but this year....I need to see pictures to even believe it ever happened. For Christmas Eve, we went to mass in the OC with Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie C. It would've great, only I was super cranky from lack of sleep, what else. And the mother's room at the church...wasn't really a room and the speakers were super loud. It kept upsetting W. Then he was unable to fall asleep in the carrier like he usually does, so I had to walk around in a dark room on the other side of the building and sing lullabies to him. I'm not sure how long I was walking but my already half-size-larger feet hurt so bad, I had to take my shoes off to continue. It was freezing as well and W and I weren't dressed appropriately either. Go mom.

The next morning...we opened presents! P and I haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for several years now. I figure if we want to give each other something...we do it anyway all year long. But I just had to get W something, even though he won't be aware of what it is for a couple of years. I think it's perfect. Passing on the tradition of Star Wars fandom to our son. I love it! And it comes with sandwich cutters on the inside in the shape of the Millenium Falcon and TieFighter. I can't wait to make him PB and Js! W actually got more gifts from strangers than he did from family. I don't know if that makes me sad or relieved. But money is tight these days, so I guess I should be happy that a lot wasn't spent. Besides, I think W liked the Christmas tree the most anyway. He would just stare and stare at those pretty white lights.

100 Large!

Why do Koreans celebrate a baby's 100th day of life? Because back in the day...waaaaay back in the day, many babies never made it to this landmark in time. Perhaps it was before hospitals or advanced medicine existed. Maybe it was the poor nutrition and poverty. I'm always being told by my parents how people were so poor and never had meat to eat, so I should lick my plate clean whenever possible. Whatever the reason, when a baby lived for 100 days, it was a reason to celebrate. Obviously, I would use any excuse to celebrate W. If I could throw a party for every cute thing he did, it would be Mardi Gras 24/7 at my house. Without the boob flashing, of course.

P's mom was in charge of organizing the whole thing. And she did a fabulous job! We had a great family gathering at Uncle E's house for a delicious lunch buffet. She really outdid herself.

It was also really nice to see the family since we missed out on the annual Hahn Thanksgiving feast.

Everything looked so good and so pretty! Thank you, Grandma!!

This is W's OTHER great grandparent. Can you believe it?! He has two! So lucky :)

Both grandmas looked very happy.

Gettin some giggles in before his nap.

All this partying can really wear you out. Isn't he precious?

Man of the hour. Looking so serious.

Auntie C was lovin his H & M outfit. She buys clothes for W from there all the time!

I think he had a good time. Keke.

Oh hello.

I know...what the heck are they doing at the party!? We all took turns being Kristen Stewart. It was hilarious! I suggested they take this cardboard of fun to the next wedding they attend. I think it'll be a hit!

This is my favorite! Notice she has four hands. LOL!! LOVE IT!

Wiser or Otherwise

My birthday had a great start. I woke up and went to W's room as usual. These days, I've been having to wake him to keep him on his schedule. I turned on the light and went up to his crib. There he was...lying there, still swaddled and completely awake. He turned his head towards me and gave me the biggest smile!! You know the kind of smile that is so big and wide, your eyes disappear? I wish lightening had struck me then and there because I don't think I'll ever feel as happy as I did at that moment. But it doesn't end there. He let out a super long "cooooooo" and ended it with a yelp. Then proceeded to smile at me again. I know this is silly, but I honestly think he was singing happy birthday to me. Trust me, you had to be there. I knew no matter what happened the rest of that day, I was going to have a great birthday.

A few years ago, I started to see birthdays in a whole new light. I don't think I ever minded getting older. If I ever said..."ugh, another birthday" it was probably because the occasion calls for such cliches and nothing more. I always joke that I'm an old woman on the inside anyway, so really, my age is just trying to catch up with me. Then one day, I realized how lucky I was to be celebrating another birthday. I got to live another year(when so many people don't) and that is truly something that shouldn't be taken for granted. I can dwell on all the awful shit that went down since the last December 15th, but what for? They're all just life lessons after all, right? We may not see God's plan for what it is (let's face it, we're not smart enough), but we should try our best to see how all the pieces fit.

For instance, I gained about 20 lbs. of holiday weight last year. I stopped buttoning my jeans way before the new year began, folks. I could think of that chubby period in my life as depressing, but instead I see it as "harvesting for the winter". Haha! All the nourishment my baby got was from the holiday weight, I'm certain of it. I wasn't eating a thing for the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy and was still not eating well until the very end. So it's quite amazing W was able to grow into the 8 1/2 pound baby he came out to be. See! Everything has it's purpose. Under all the shit and grime we face each day, is the shiny polished surface that is just waiting to be revealed again. We just need to use faith and reason to get to it.

There's also my relationship with my dad. It's no secret that we don't really get along. We used to when I was little, until I got older and wise to who he truly was. When I was pregnant, our relationship got even worse. Being sick and pregnant was more of an inconvenience to him than anyone else, including me!! I spent 9 months training myself to be the complete opposite of him as a parent and person. I was practically laying on the couch for most of that time, so I had a lot of time to think. I figured, there must be a reason for the way things are between us. We're both very stubborn (he more than I) and I don't see a resolution in the near future. I have given that man the benefit of the doubt for so many years and it has brought nothing but disappointment in my corner, time and time again. So it was time to take a new approach. If he's not going to change, than I have to. My mom keeps telling me he's too old to change. She's been saying this for 15 years!!! When is this "age" that allows you to use it as an excuse for being a complete asshole? Do we get a notice in the mail saying "Bam! Now you're 50 and you don't have to improve yourself anymore!" What the heck, right? So the lesson to be learned from our awful relationship is this: I'm so much like my dad and history will repeat itself if I don't do something about it now. I think it's so subliminal how we become our parents, no matter how much we fight or deny it. But there are individuals who make a conscious effort to prevent this and I intend to be one of them. I know I'll fail in many ways but at least I'm willing to try to change, unlike SOME people. My baby deserves the effort. So, yeah. I figure God is trying to warn me and teach me to be better, or else I'll have a child who can't stand me either.

Everything happens for a reason.

This year, I'm especially grateful for my birthday because of W, of course. He would not be here if I were not here, so how can I NOT be in a celebratory mood?! I hope I live to be an extremely old woman so I can watch him grow and live an amazing life. I hope I get to see him fall in love and have children of his own. Then I can truly say that I'm a grandma! Inside and out. And I pray that I get to spend many occasions, walking up and down the aisles at Hallmark, picking out birthday cards for him and P.

P got me this beautiful locket. I love LOOOVE lockets!! I have a photo of W and P inside and it's oh so precious. I love holding it and rubbing the smooth surface between my fingers. My two men, with me always. Thank you P!

Overload

I know every parent thinks their baby is the cutest. The truth is...all babies are super cute. I can't wait to hang out with all my mommy friends and their little ones and just be completely overwhelmed with adorableness!! All the pudgy little arms and legs and don't even get me started on the cheeks! I bite W's cheeks at least once a day. I can't resist. I CANNOT!!

These days, everything W does is cute to me. I don't know what has come over me. Perhaps I'm getting used to the sleep deprivation or maybe my hormones are finally balancing out. It might even be that I'm getting the hang of this thing called motherhood. Things aren't exactly easier. They're just...not as stressful. That wheezing noise his nose makes when he sleeps? Used to freak me out and now, I find it adorable. Even when he spits up...adorable. The way he cries when he's tired...adorable! Everything is too freaking adorable!!! I can't handle it. And it's only going to get worse. Wait until he starts laughing and talking. There's only so much cuteness a person can take!!

This is Wesley's going out outfit. Out to the backyard, that is.

Just like his papa, he loves the outdoors.

Look at the progress!! Remember the last tummy time pictures? I can't believe his tiny neck can hold up his big head. All that drool and spit up on our shirts was well worth it.


With a little help, he can hold his head up even higher.

He's a pro at holding his up while sitting upright. It wobbles a bit but it's still impressive, no?

Look how much he's grown since his last bath pictures! Is it possible to lose your baby fat when you're still a baby? I don't know if W enjoys bath time just yet. It seems like he just tolerates it, which is all good to me. As long as he doesn't hate it, I'm happy because he needs his bath. He's my little stinker. And no, it's not a cute nickname. He really does stink at times. Especially his feet. They smell like...like feet. I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't babies smell like fairy dust and all things pure? Apparently not! Cuz my baby can work up a sweat with all his crying and swaddle fighting. And I guess sweat is sweat, no matter who's making it. So thank goodness W lets us bathe him!

So cute! Ahhhhh!!!

Blessed

Thanksgiving with the whole family!!! It's actually a little bit of a blur because I was super tired and I had turkey on the brain. I just remember eating seconds...and possibly thirds.

W's first Thanksgiving...came and went soo fast!

Just like the Pilgrims and Indians did way back when, we had kimchee with our Thanksgiving meal.

W, meet your GREAT-grandmother! Holy cow! I barely had regular grandparents.

I know I complain a lot on this blog. Hey, it's what I'm good at. But at the end of the day, I know how blessed I am.

First of all, I still have my parents. They do test my patience on an daily (more like hourly) basis and we squabble more than the average family, but theyare still here and I'm ever so grateful for that. I'm especially grateful that I still have my mom. Future post on her to come, btw. Being a mother myself has really forced me to step into her past and I find myself constantly wondering if my mom felt the same way I do with my baby. Lucky for me, I can get answers to my many ponderings because she is here now. Soon I'll be making spaghetti for my son, just the way my mom did for me every week!! So surreal.

Next, I have a roof over my head. Yes, it would be nice to have a roof that "we" own, but you know what? We've been pretty fortunate to have a place to stay so that we could pay for our wedding (which was awesome) and for our honeymoon (which was awesomer!!). Most importantly, it has allowed us to save up for W's arrival and for a down payment. My folks were gracious enough not to charge us rent during our entire invasion. And invade we did.

We have the best dog in the universe. No joke. I've had dogs my whole life (9 in total) and I can honestly that we hit the jackpot with Bug. I'm so thankful that his previous owners were such imbeciles and gave him away. Some people are so dumb. He's smart, cute as hell and funnier than most people I know. He doesn't smell. He's potty-trained. He has a raspy bark you never get sick of. And he can cuddle like there's no tomorrow. He even regulates his own foodportions!!! If you think about it, if he were human, he'd be the perfect man~!

Though I'm no bionic woman, I am still grateful for my health. You always hear it.."at least I have my health." Well, I don't have to be a dying old woman to know how true this is! Pregnancy alone was so debilitating, I can't even imagine what life is like when you are permanently disabled. I couldn't even get out of bed without building up some momentum first. As of right now, I can still put my arms around my husband. I can still snowboard...sort of. I can still climb onto the kitchen counter to reach the top shelf. I can still drive around town and run my errands. I can still knit! And most gratefully, I can still pick up my baby to hold when he cries. Fleeting as it may be, I'm thankful for all that my health allows me to do.

And then, there is my husband. My wonderful WONDERFUL husband who never ceases to amaze me with his never-ending patience. When you're married to me, patience is a must. Isn't that right, P? While I bring passion and humor to the relationship, I often feel I bring little else. Everything I lack, P embodies. We really make anamazing team because of this. (I secretly want to enter us into the Amazing Race, but I'm too much of a chickenshit to do it.) And I can't imagine the last 13 years of my life without him. I probably would have been obliviously bored, living day to day, all by my lonesome. I say "oblivious" because as an only child, I have no problems being alone and to this day, I still relish a little solitude every now and then. But I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself, "I would not have experienced this if it had not been for him." And that is the truth. Thank you P, for making my life so grand!

Last, but ABSOLUTELY NOT LEAST! there is W. What can I say except that he is the most surprising and joyful part of my life. I will wake up grouchy from the lack of sleep but as soon as I see that sweet little face looking up at me, it's over. I'm completely undone and he has won. Talk about power. I can't believe we made him!! That he is half P and half me! It's so incredible that one of us has to say that very sentiment at least once a day. It's THAT incredible. I hope we never take W for granted. I hope even when he is throwing a tantrum in the middle of Target, I remember how we felt when he first arrived and how he had us scratching our heads as to how we could be sooo lucky!

What I desire are the simple things in life...and trust me when I say this, just because they are simple, it doesn't make them easier to obtain. Especially in this day and age. I just want each day to be filled some happiness, a lot of laughter and the occasional irony for kicks. I feel as though I have this.

Perspective

Two months old already!!!?? NOOOOO! He's growing so fast. Even with the enormous amount of photos we take, I can't truly document how quickly he's growing. W had his 2 month check up and it's official. He's a porker! I guess eating fistfuls of peanut M & Ms wasn't such a good idea. I couldn't help it!!! Nine months of chocolate deprivation is bound to catch up in a bad way. But I think I'm over it. For now anyway. I will refrain as best I can for my baby. Only nutritious and healthy food for me and baby. Hey, maybe now I'll actually lose some weight like you're supposed to when you're breastfeeding.

So.....remember how I said no feeding schedule for us? Well, I meant it at the time. Really, I did. But Auntie C told me that it'll be better in the long run if we start now. So I'm going to give it another go. So far, W has been compliant with my demands but I can't help but wonder if he's happy.

Some tummy time with mommy :)

The holidays are among us and I can't wait for W to spend some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. I can't wait to see they jaws drop when they see how huge he is! First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First New Year's. I'm loving all these "firsts" and I'm reminded of how strange it is to have this new person in our lives. It's going to be so amazing experiencing everyday life through W's eyes. There's so much we take for granted, most of which is due to fatigue and lack of time. But having a baby makes you slow down and look at the details. Figures, it would take a baby for me to learn to take a deep breath.

Auntie C, all smitten.

Manic Monday

Spent the whole day yesterday trying to get W to sleep. I don't think he slept more than 2 hours total the entire time!! I'd feed him...play with him....wrap him up and put him in his crib like always. Only he would cry his ass off the second his tush touched the mattress. So I'd rock him in my arms, which is no easy feat, by the way. He weighs a good 13 lbs. and after about 30 seconds of swaying this way and that, you feel like you're arms are going to detach from their sockets. Why don't you try using the baby swing. Um...duh. Like I haven't tried?!! If you don't have anything helpful to say...just shut up. Anyway, it turns out he was having a growth spurt. So instead of sleeping...he just wants to eat again. And again. And again. The good part, of course, was that he passed the eff out later that night!! Which means a good 3 hours of sleep for me!! Mr. Sandman, give me a frickin dream!

"Get. In. My. Belly!!!!" Growth spurt or glutton. You decide.

Here's W doing tummy time. Clearly, he's taking a break.

Good effort, son. Good effort.

W has also been staying up longer during the day. Not really fussing..but just being awake. Which is fine except with babies, you always feel a bit like you're auditioning. Does he like me? Am I funny? Am I entertaining? Oh gosh, am I being boring? What else can I do to keep you happy? Honestly, it's exhausting!!

Sometimes, he's good just hanging out by himself, but it doesn't last long. He's still smiling and cooing, but he's also starting to giggle a little!! It's not a full-blown laugh just yet...but you can totally tell he's trying to get his chest behind it. So cute! And I can already tell he's gonna be a big chatterbox! He's making vowel sounds "ooooh. aaay-oh" and moving his mouth trying so hard to get words out. The other night...he just started...talking...to P. Not any words that are comprehensible to us, of course. But it was more than just one sound at a time. He just spit out a few sentences of baby talk in his sweet little voice. Like he was just commenting on the weather or something. Our jaws dropped. He hasn't chatted us up since...but what a glimpse. :)

"What on God's earth are you talking about?" (I get this look a lot)

I guess the biggest thing on our minds these days, other than the baby, is finding a home for us....just us. It's no big secret that we want to move out of my parents' house. But after W came along, the desperation has reached an all-time high. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to breastfeed while living with people you can't be topless around?!?! They don't tell you that in those nursing books. Must live with people who can see your boobs. I mean, I'm confined to the baby room pretty much the entire day because of this inconvenience. I even had a lock installed because my folks don't know what it means to knock before entering. Even when they do knock, they don't wait for you to say come in or stay out. That is just one example of how they are slowing trying to drive me insane. It's bad enough my folks make me crazy, but to be confined to a small room with too much furniture and no TV....it's become a prison for me. I daydream of playing with W in a sunlit living room or walking the neighborhood every afternoon with stroller in one hand and dog leash in the other. Mostly I just pack, mentally. *sigh*

So, P and I have been looking for this dream oasis called Freedom. It's the perfect time to buy, too. But our budget doesn't permit us many options. And my frugality has peaked beyond belief. Every dollar we spend is like pulling teeth to me. I keep thinking...that dollar could be going towards our future home. With the holidays coming up and all these random events, we just keep spending and it KILLS me. I spent this past year sacrificing my own celebrations to save up for our baby. We didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, totally skipped my first Mother's Day, and did squat for our wedding anniversary. And I'm a sentimental fool to say the least, so giving up such celebrations was no easy thing for me. In fact, it was downright depressing. But I have half a mind to do the same with my birthday next month. Dinner with friends...or a house of our own. Hmmm...let me waste a few minutes to contemplate the obvious. That's how BADLY I want to move out. Other than the baby, this is what keeps me up at night. If I could go back in time for one hour, it would be to tell my younger self how insanely difficult it is to live with our parents and to start saving every single penny....cuz you're gonna want to move out PRONTO!

Here he is, wearing stuff I knit for him.