Sweet Surrender

I know what you're thinking. When did this blog become a baby blog?! Well, it's not. But seeing as how I don't leave the house and don't do anything other than nurse the baby, I don't see any "non-baby" posts happening in the near future. Besides...look at this face...why would I waste my time blogging about anything else?!!?

This morning...I found a spider hanging out on the wall above W's crib. Just staring at my precious little baby with his trillion eyes. I can tell you blood pressure shot up like a rocket! Normally, I'd yell for P to kill it because I hate HATE HATE!! spiders, but I swatted that thing so fast as if it was carrying the plague. To think!!! This little piece of shit was gonna bite my baby!!! I thought Wolverine blades were gonna grow out of my knuckles!! I was that angry. I looked down at W's face...so peaceful and so small....safe in his little crib with mommy standing by. It made me think...man, if a little spider brought the mamabear out of me, I can't even imagine how I'm gonna feel when I have to drop him off at preschool the first day!! I'm probably gonna sit in the car and cry all day. Maybe even take the day off of work (if I ever find a job).

There's so much out in this big scary world that I want to protect him from. Like the first time some dumb kid makes fun of him. Or the first time he gets his heart broken. The many scrapes and bruises he'll get from exploring and playing. I wish I could hover next to him, shielding and blocking all that might harm him. But I know I can't. The best thing I can do is allow him to experience all that life has to offer, even if it hurts sometimes. I have so much admiration for my parents for letting me live my life without ever feeling restricted because of what they feared might happen. Although there was one time I came home early the next morning after having fallen asleep at a friend's house. My mom was in the kitchen, about to faint thinking something had happened to me. Turns out she called every local hospital to see if I had been in an accident. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be just like her??

As I watched him sleep this morning, I was astounded by how concerned I was about him. I know it sounds stupid. He's my baby after all. And I'm his mommy. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Duh!! But...it's been just me my whole life. I'm an only child with only myself to think of. I'm fully aware of my selfishness and self-centered ways. No amount of toys or pets could replace what a sibling can teach you. I know this and have spent the better part of my life trying to outgrow my onlychildness. (Progress so far? Ask me again in 10 years) Even with P, as much as I love him and as paranoid as I am that something will happen to him, I at least know he can take care of himself. But W is just a helpless little baby, with no defenses other than a very pliable bone structure!! (In case, God forbid, someone drops him)

Now, I think only of him. Everything revolves around him now. Even when I drive alone in the car, I'm much more careful because I want to make sure my baby has a mommy for a long time. Funny how I didn't care enough about myself to be a safer driver. I know one day I'll have to find that balance in my life, where I think about my baby, P, and myself. Healthy mommy = healthy baby. But for now, it's so nice and liberating surrendering my life to someone else.

Elmo's Tickling ME!

This post is for my sweet P. For a few nights now, I've been witnessing W laugh in his sleep after the night feedings. Of course, P isn't there to see it and he's been dying to get a glimpse. Well, I got it on video finally!!! Sorry for the shotty lighting. Oh and that's a breastfeeding blister on his lip, not a tooth. :)

(He's not awake...even though his eyes are open)

Isn't that the best?! I hope one day soon, he chuckles for us while he's awake. But for now, I'll take any sign of him being happy....even if he's unconscious!

I Want My Mommy!!

So, I finally lost it the other night. It wasn't due to breastfeeding issues or anything like that. I was just frustrated with not knowing if W's fussiness was normal. Everything you read about babies insinuates that the baby is perfect. For example, they say you should pump immediately after you feed the baby. Okay. But it takes about an hour to soothe W to sleep. If I pump then, I will only have an hour if I'm lucky before the next feeding!!!! Makes me feel like W is abnormal or something. They don'twrite scenarios about if your baby is fussy or if you are alone and have to put the baby to bed yourself. And I mean, I could let the baby cry it out as I pump, but then you read how cruel it is and what a bad mother you are for letting let newborn cry! I mean, what gives?!?! What's wrong with the baby????!!!!

NOTHING. Absolutely nothing is wrong with W. He's perfect in that he is not perfect. No baby is. Took me a little while to wake up and realize this. I will put a little blame on a CERTAIN SOMEONE for talking only about perfect babies and how well-behaved they are. After hearing that for months, I think it got ingrained somehow that if your baby isn't robotically perfect, then he or she is a freak. So, thanks friend, who's name I won't mention! The rest I blame on all these so-called experts who write as if you can stick any baby into their formulas and get the desired results. Piss off, I say!! (I would be more vulgar but I think my in-laws read this blog)

What really helped was reading all these different forums about baby issues. A support group, if you will. It was P's idea and I'm so glad he made me do it. It was really great to hear I wasn't alone. Although I will say that I felt the most relief after talking to C about it and having heard that our baby is just like all other newborns. Forums are great, but that's just coming from individual opinions. C is like a consensus of all moms!

All in all, W is doing great so far.

He's a month old already!! He still has thrush but it doesn't seem to be affecting him in any way, so phew! for that. He's eating well, growing on track and slowing starting to acclimate to this new world he's now a part of. As much as I love how tiny and insanely cute he is as a newborn, I cannot wait until he is able to hold his head up by himself and start communicating with us (other than crying). A stable and predictable sleep schedule would be nice, too. Thanks.

We tried giving W his first tub bath.

It's supposed to be soothing and you know, W didn't hate it. What I did hate was how small our bathroom is and how cold it is in the rest of the house. Oh and I got my first "golden shower!" I guess all that warm water really made W spray happy. I feel like I got baptized into motherhood! But I think we'll stick to sponge baths for a little while longer.

I'm sad to say that P's paternity leave is officially over. I'm actually really scared to be alone with the baby. P is just so great with him and so patient. He even finds W's crying adorable, so he doesn't freak out and panic the way I do when I can't calm the baby down. I think W can sense this, too. He's much more responsive to his daddy than he is with me. I'm just the resident cow and usually get the frustrated and rooting W. That's okay, I guess. Soon, he'll be stuck with me and only me all day long. We're bound to become pals, right?

If I don't post for a very long time, just know that I've gone and joined the circus. Walking a tightrope has got to be easier than this!

The Boy Who Cried Sleep

I guess I'm not the only cry baby in this family anymore. It could be worse though, I will admit that. He could have colic. He could be fussy....I mean, fussier. But it turns out, W is one of those babies that has to cry in order to sleep. We thought something was wrong and we weren't able to figure it out. We did the five S's. We even took him on a drive at night. But every time we put him down to sleep, he'd cry. Then P did the smart thing and opened up one of our baby books. He read that some babies need to cry before they sleep. Really?! Apparently, sometimes a baby will cry for a few minutes and then pass out. Sounds like drunken Friday night or something. The best news is...the crying time should get shorter and shorter. We're supposed to let him cry and teach him to self-soothe. Genius! I didn't really believe this was what was going on at first. It's a little too good to be true. Babies cry and they don't just stop by themselves. Do they? You always here that you should just let the baby cry. Even our personal pediatrician, C, said to let him cry it out. It sounds so cruel! But to know that it's just part of a routine babies have....man! That makes me feel a whole lot better! P said just give it time. So, we started timing his crying. And sure enough, after a few minutes....silence. He'd wake up occasionally and cry again, but not for long.

What a relief! Granted those few minutes feel like forever. And forget about letting him cry himself to sleep in public. I'm sure we'd get the stink eye from folks for ignoring our crying newborn. So, for now, we'll just have to wait until W can lull himself to sleep without causing such a spectacle. Wonder how long that will be....

A Fungus Among Us

We've got thrush. It sounds like something exciting if you don't know what it is. But it's really quite awful. A fungus in W's mouth. And I can't tell if it spread to me but I'm taking my precautions as well. I was pumping for a couple of days to prevent any further pain and contamination...and I learned that pumping exclusively will not be easier than breastfeeding directly. If anything, it's more work. You still have to "feed" every few hours, only to a machine. And then you have to feed the baby with the bottle itself. So it's like double the work!! And when you have an eater like W, time is of the essence or you're in for a wailfest. By the time you're done pumping and feeding the baby, and then put him down for his nap, it's time to start all over again! You know how time flies when you're having fun? Well, apparently, it flies when you're having a crap time, too. It's taken me nearly a 2 week to write this post because I only have a few minutes at a time to do so. The little free time I do have conflicts me. Should I take pictures, do laundry, take a shower....sleep?

He's already changing. It's happening so fast, I'm certain if I record him 24/7 and fast forward the playback, I can actually see him growing! When W was first born, everyone thought he looked like me. I'd like to add that he was super swollen and puffy. Thanks, guys. Now that the swelling has gone down and he is able to open his eyes, you can totally tell that he looks just like P. We even found a baby picture of P that looks similar to W. It's crazy....this circle of life we spin around in. Everyday, W looks a little different. It makes me kind of sad. Why do they have to grow so quickly?!

I'm still trying to get my head wrapped around this whole breastfeeding thing. The feeding itself is fine for the most part. It's the when? how long? and how much? that is driving me straight to Looneyville. Not to mention...it hurts!! The initial latchon has me seeing spots at times. Boy, can he suck! I'm getting used to it, thank God. But it still has me cringing before each feeding. It was especially brutal because W was jaundiced and the doctor said I had to feed him every 2 hours. Ouch!! You know those clips of dogs hanging on to the mailman's ass with the jaws of life. That's how I feel. I'm the mailman and W is the Jack Russell that won't let go. Ow. Ow. Ow. We sit with him in sunlight everyday to help flush the bile out of his system faster. It got a little stressful when the jaundiced reached his feet. After a tummy-knotted visit to the lab, we were given good news. His levels were good and he just needs to continue eating and sunbathing until he's all pink again. I also failed to realize that breastfeeding a baby meant you were literally chained to the baby for as long as your nursing him. I mean, it's not like bottle feeding where anyone can feed him. Unless I can detach my boobs and stick 'em on P, I'm it. And I will be for quite some time. Everything I do now revolves around the baby's feeding schedule.

As far as losing all that baby weight...I lost a little from breastfeeding. It turns out, I didn't really gain that much weight after regaining what I lost in the first trimester. And with W being a big baby, most of what I gained ended up being him. So, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within days of giving birth. Then with all the breastfeeding, I lost a few more pounds. But the weight loss came to a screeching halt soon after. I think all the chocolate I've been eating has something to do with it... and it was totally worth it!!

For the most part, W is easy. He eats every couple of hours..and then sleeps. But the night feeding is the most brutal. The guy just doesn't stop eating! And then...when he's finished...he doesn't sleep!!! He's gluttonous and has insomnia. Hmmmm..who does that sound like? Kekekeke. Swaddling was tough at first because just like in the womb, W is a kicker. Very active and very opposed to confinement. But P came up with this ingenious swaddling technique! I don't know what we'd do if he didn't come up with it. You need to use a super big swaddling blanket, like the ones by Aden + Anais. You also need the velcro flap of a Halo swaddle blanket. The two combined is swaddling bliss. It's the perfect straight jacket!

I had some uncomfortable swelling for the first week. It's so cruel that you're finally free of the debilitating belly, only to have legs and feet so swollen you can't even walk. I did the whole Korean miyuk soup thing and I drank lots of fluids and avoided carbs. Well, not all carbs. I have been eating a ton of chocolate. As soon as W came out, I was in full chocolate reload mode. I felt like the Terminator, with that radar vision, seeking out chocolate like it was the enemy. And I had to destroy it with my mouth! Even 2 weeks later, Ieat fistfuls of peanut M&Ms throughout the day. And with Halloween just around the corner, it's hard not to buy bags and bags of the stuff at Target. I finally had a hamburger for the first time since last December. In n Out, you were missed. I've eaten pizza, pasta, tomatoes, fries, Snickers, brownies, chocolate ice cream. These are all things I avoided throughout my pregnancy. I've still got a long list of foods I need to revisit, like lasagna, salsa, coffee, kimchi...other forms of chocolate :D

For now, I'm enjoying motherhood. Yes, my boobies hurt and I'm getting very little sleep. But my complaints are minute compared to what I feel when I see my little baby's face. He makes so many funny faces and has so many endearing quirks already, I fear I am becoming the "doting" mother I always make fun of. I could just sit there and stare at him all day long if I didn't fear hemorrhoids so much. And as much as I want to freeze time and keep him in this adorable newborn state, I can't wait for the day when he can baby talk with us and call me "mama."

Here's a photo of W making one of his funny faces. It's not in focus but it's the only one I've got.

Bug Love Friday

Is he jealous of W? Unfortunately, very much so...yes. Poor little guy thinks he's being replaced. Replaced?!!! We would never...not in a million years...not for a million dollars! I wish so much that he would understand that this baby is more love for him. Soon there will be another set of hands petting him, another person to give him treats, another person to cuddle with. But I don't speak Doglish and he doesn't speak English....so there you have it. He peed once in the living room, as far as we can tell. And he acts crazy when we give W kisses. We let him sniff W all the time but he just sniffs and walks away. We still love him like crazy...and he's still super cute to us. The other day, I took this photo of him that, I'm ashamed to admit, made me melt more than any picture we've taken of W so far. LOL!!

Just look at this face! Doesn't it remind you of someone else?

I didn't hear no fat lady!!!!

I thought I was just constipated. I mean, 39 weeks pregnant, it's not unlikely, right? So, there I was on the toilet at 3 am....trying. Nothing...ugh...constipation sucks! I couldn't sleep because I swear I needed to GO. I mean, the urge was so strong. So I repeated this process every hour until about 8 am. By this time...the urge is painful. It felt like I needed to lay a dinosaur egg!! I'm guessing that would be Baby's head. It was so painful and insistent that I woke P up at 9 am. He was home because he had caught a nasty cold. Thank God!! he was sick. I wasn't sure if I was experiencing some really painful Braxton Hicks or if I was going through early labor. I just kept picturing that video from the birthing class of the lady squatting and breathing in all misery. Was this what I was about to go through for the next 12 hours? P thought I was just....I dunno what he was thinking. But we both thought it was nothing...only strange that it was so strong. We sure as hell didn't think I was in labor. I called the doctor to get some clarification. Are these BHs? Are these contractions? Doc said to come in for a stress test and so we went. By 11am, I was hooked up to a monitor.

Turns out, I was 4 cm dilated and having full contractions every 2 minutes!! LOL!! Every 2 minutes!!! So much for hightailing it to the hospital when your contractions are 5 minutes apart. I didn't think they were contractions because I didn't feel any cramps or pain in my belly area like you think you would. Every body is different I guess. Doctor said, I hope you're packed because next destination is the maternity ward. GOOOO!!!! Can you imagine if P was at work? All that nasty 405 traffic? It would take at least an hour for him to drive back! And what if I had hesitated to call the doctor? What if I was still sitting on the toilet trying to push out poo!? So many alternate endings!

We get to the hospital and there's a waiting list for rooms!!! You're kidding, right? (You're also not funny) So many women were in labor that I had to wait in triage for a few hours before I got into the delivery room. I remember registering at the hospital months before in that same area, with the entire triage area being empty! I guess Baby wanted to jump on the bandwagon and be born with half the San Gabriel Valley. As I lay there, P and I cannot believe this is happening. We're talking serious denial here. I lost count of how many times we each said "Oh my God!" I wasn't due for another 4 days! I'm not ready. We're not ready! I still need to vacuum! And my toes...I didn't paint my toenails!!

By the time the anesthesiologist arrived, I was dilated 6cm. The "urge" had transformed into something of the worst lower back pain ever imaginable. It hurt...BAD. Get that needle in my spine STAT!!! She paid me the nice compliment of saying I had a high pain tolerance, being 6 cm dilated and all. Little did she know that it wasn't really tolerance, but just plain ignorance and denial. I just thought I was super constipated. 39 weeks pregnant...it's not an unreasonable assumption, you know. Anyway, it turns out...my epidural was a good one. All night, I kept hearing from the staff how good my epidural was. You see, even though I was numb from the waist down...I could still move my legs. Remind me to buy that woman some chocolates. Ten minutes later, I was in epidural heaven. IT. WAS. WONDERFUL. I love that stuff. I wanna marry that stuff. I wanna buy stock in that stuff. I wanna get a safety deposit box at the bank and fill it with that stuff. I could no longer feel pain and was now looking forward to meeting my baby....painlessly.

But the contractions kind of stopped. They decreased in intensity....leaving me dilated 8 cm. Dammit!! So now I'm on Pitocin to get my contractions going again. The bigger I contract, the more dilated I get. We're looking for 10cm, folks. Although with the size of Baby's head, I wouldn't mind if I dilated 20cm, know what I'm saying? The Pitocin eventually worked after what felt like an eternity. And here's the thing...epidural is great for pain. But pain can come in all sorts of forms. I may not have been feeling contractions or back aches anymore, but the pressure was definitely intense. It's so hard to describe the pressure. You just want to push so bad and yet...you can't push hard enough. It's like shitting a football. Not my words, people. This old lady told me that that's what it felt like for her. She was sooooo right!

I pushed for about an hour and a half. It went like this....

(I wanna push...omg, I wanna push! I'm pushing!!!!)

"Okay Sandra, take a deep breath and PUSH!!!!! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!"

(God help me! I'm so tired....I can't do this!)

"GOOOD! Just like that!!! Deep breath and PUSH!!!!! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!!!!!"

(OMG...I can't catch my breath! Get out! Get out! Get out!!)

"One more time, Sandra!!! You can do it!!! PUUUUUSSSHHHH!!! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.....okay...that's okay. "

(I can't push anymore!!! Make it stop!! Why isn't he coming out!?!? Why?! Why?!)

This went on for about an hour until my OB arrived. Then it was like the Superbowl and I was the quarterback about to throw the winning pass. P, my OB and the nurse were all cheering me on so hard! You couldn't buy this kind of a cheering squad. It's almost impossible not to want to push when you have them yelling at you like that. Now, before I continue, I have to go backward a little and tell you that I didn't eat anything since the night before. I went straight from sleep, to the doctor's and then the hospital. They wouldn't let me eat anything there, so my stomach was very emtpy. And I was very weak by the time I started pushing. I even threw up in the beginning. Ugh. All that pushing just brought it up, I guess.

So, an hour and a half later, I'm really really REALLY weak. I'm pretty sure I can't push much longer. He wasn't even crowning yet but was definitely knocking at the door. In my desperation to expel this baby, I opt for suctioning. In fact, I'm begging. And guess what? Suction goes on and in a few pushes....he's out!!! A whopping 8 lbs. and 10 oz!!! Oh and let's not forget the whole big head ordeal!! Even now when I look at his head, I can't believe I pushed THAT out. Incredible.

I wish I could say that I was blissfully emotional and that P and I were crying in each others' arms. But we weren't. I was so exhausted and still in shock that I was delivering early, I don't think I was mentally prepared for his arrival. P also thinks that since we were expecting that sort of reaction, we kind of psyched ourselves out by the time it actually happened. We were basically in shock. Plain and simple. It all happened so fast and we were so unprepared that our minds hadn't really caught up with the moment. Even the next day when we had friends and family over to visit, we were still dazed about it all. It wasn't until they were wheeling me out to the car, discharged and finally going home, that it hit us like a ton of bricks. We cried the whole way home.

We were at the hospital for about 2 days. It's all a blur of soreness, shock, happiness and fatigue all rolled into one. Poor P was still very sick, but he was amazing throughout the whole thing. He remained calm and encouraging throughout. And I'm sure it isn't easy to see your wife in so much pain and so....exposed like that. But never once did he make me feel embarrassed about it. If anything, he made me feel incredible, like I was doing some sort of amazing act for mankind or something. "You did it," he would repeat constantly. And once, when I was just getting out of bed, he felt compelled to come over and tell me how great I looked. We all know that I looked like crap. Swollen and in DIRE need of a shower. But I could tell he meant it. I'm so lucky and so is W. He's got the best daddy.

W is finally here. After all those months of ....well, you know if you've been reading, W is finally here. And he's so perfect and so beautiful. I just stare at him all day and fall in love over and over again with this little guy. I can study his every twitch and expression and trace his little hands and feet all day long. I wish I could take a picture with my eyes...just blink for the shots I want. There are so many and I want to capture them all!!! Never have I wanted to be able to freeze time so badly before. Yes, I'm tired. Really tired. I live by a clock and feel very much like a cow on a dairy farm. Actually, those cows have it made cuz breastfeeding hurts!!! Don't get me started on pumping. P is still a little sick and hasn't even gotten the chance to kiss his little boy yet...one week later!! I would die if I couldn't. We've already done the laundry twice and DAYAM! diapers are just flying into the trash can! But even still....I'm so happy! One look at his little face and it's all totally worth it.