Always On My Mind

He's come a long way, my son has. Bearded old man in red suit is terrifying. But a freakishly large bunny with, in my opinion, scary eyes is totally normal according to W. Go figure.

W is 1 1/2 years old and it still hits me....omg, he's mine. I'm a mommy and I have to raise this whole other person so he doesn't end up being a deranged maniac! Just kidding. I don't actually think that unless I've watched a marathon of Law and Order SVU. But I do occasionally feel the weight of being a parent. Especially when we playing with other children. I observe the strange way kids communicate and rashness of their actions and I'll admit it, kids terrify me.

I guess it's more about who they will become and how what we do now to influence them when they're still so young that makes my stomach tie up in knots. Am I making the right decisions? Is this the very best I can do for W? If I mess up (and I have so many times already), will he remember? Will this damage him? Is he happy? Could he be happier? Endless self-torturing questions like these flood my mind whenever I have a free moment.

And when I'm not thinking about that stuff, I'm having nightmares about W going missing, or someone trying to snatch him while we're at Target. I am constantly reminding myself that I have to drop whatever it is I'm holding and go after the assailant with both arms swinging. Drop and swing. Drop and swing. Kick. Kick. Kick!! Eyes. Nose. Nuts. Those are my target. Should I be wearing steel-toed shoes, just in case? Would it be crude to wear a T-shirt that says, 'Touch my son and die'? Is it illegal to implant GPS tracking on our children??

Sigh. So this is love, huh?

Don't worry. W does not live in a bubble. He doesn't have a leash. I love when strangers talk to him and humor him. I let him wander around, even out of line of sight. He's always babbling so I know he's there. When he falls and looks to me, asking, "should I cry?" I've stopped running over to him each time. I just clap my hands and say, "Yay! That was a good fall!!" I no longer sweep him up and smother him with kisses until he whines. I wait for him to come to me. I discipline more now, though it's still not often because he's good most of the time. He's really growing up and I am already bracing myself for the day he leaves me for the real world.

I wonder if my own mother had these feelings about me. But I won't ask ever because a part of me already knows the answer.

Today, I heard him call me "mommy" for the first time!! Typically, I'm "mmm-meee" and sometimes "ham-mee." And when he's hungry, he says "um-ma" or "ma-ma." He picked up on "da-da" a long time ago and I've figured out why. I'm always with him. So there's really no need to call for me. If he needs me, he needs only turn around and walk 5 feet. Just like that. But more and more, I've been getting a couple hours to myself here and there (it's freaking awesome!). And our reunion is so sweet!!! I miss him sooo much in that short amount of time, jealous that I've missed out on whatever cuteness he's doing. When I finally see him again, he gets this huge grin on his face and points to me, saying "mmmm-meee!" It's the best.

As for #2, I know we should be working on this. After all, I absolutely do not want W to be an only child! But I have fears. Major fears about the pregnancy. Everybody is terrified of the thought of having to take care of multiple children. I'm not. I simply accept the fact that I will be overwhelmed, going crazy and crying occasionally. No problem. But what if I'm sick as a dog like I was when I was pregnant with W? That would be a nightmare!!! Not just for me, but for W as well. He would be cheated of a good mother. I don't even think I could change his diapers if I end up being as sensitive again. Poor W. Help? What help? Who?!!! I'm not lucky like my friends, with their moms and mother-in-laws, watching their kids and cooking for them. No sir, not me. It's just been me and W from day 1. And that's not going to change any time soon, sadly.

What to do, what to do..... should we go for #2??

I think I have my answer. LOL!! Holy cow. Did your ovaries burst, too? Ahhhh!!! Tooo cute!!!

Sleeping in Seattle

We did it! We traveled with W. Were we nervous? Very. First of all, we never slept in the same room as him. Since the day we brought him home from the hospital, W slept in his crib, in his room like a good little baby. So to share a hotel room with no walls to separate us was going to be interesting. What this meant that we would have to go to bed as well. No TV, no reading....nothing. In bed by 9pm?? I haven't done that since I was 12!!

Also, the forecast showed that it was going to rain, rain, rain the entire week of our visit. Great. And what the heck am I supposed to feed him?! I mean, he can eat normal food, but do I really want to feed him all that salty crap this early on? No. The hotel doesn't provide a fridge for us (c'mon Westin, seriously?) so that was another issue.

But it was our first family vacay. And regardless of the concerns, I was soooo excited! As soon as W came into our world, I knew my sole job was to be a good mom. And as much as I want to keep him sheltered and protected from this cruel place, I also know that the best thing I can do for him is the show him the world and pray that every experience will only make him a more open-minded and empathetic individual. Something we could a lot more of, if you ask me.

How did it go?

It was awesome!!! W was sooo good on the plane. He loved looking out the window and walking up and down the aisle (not easy to do in a 737). When we finally went into the clouds, he kept pointing to the window, wondering where the cars and building went. He was so patient the entire time!! And even though it was freezing and we had to wait for our bags and rental car, he was all smiles and giggles. Sigh. What a trooper.

Why Seattle? Same reason as the last time, medical conference! Kekeke. P had his annual meeting there and we decided to make into a family affair. The northwest is so beautiful, we just had to let W see it with his own eyes.

As for the weather, well, it rained. I'm sure it did. But we didn't really see much of it! It kept missing us. Ha!! Maybe next time, Mr. Rain. We did see snow fall. For about 5 minutes. Through a window of a restaurant. Ha!! But even still, it was freezing cold!! Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for getting W his Patagonia! He looked so cute in it and I think it worked because he was nice and toasty the entire time.

We went EVERYWHERE! It was so great to go back to all the spots I visited a few years back, only this time with my DS. Pike Place Market, yarn shops, Seattle Center, etc. But this time, we catered to our little one, too. We went to the Children's Museum( this place rocks!), the Aquarium(not so rockin), and, of course, the Woodland Park Zoo....twice! What a great zoo! Unlike LA Zoo, all the animals are visible. W finally got too see REAL animals! He waddled with the penguins, he growled at the lions and he mooed with the cows. So adorable!!! And this time, we had a car so we were able to see a lot more of Seattle.

There is one thing that Seattle is in dire need of. Korean restaurants!! Holy cow, we had an easier time finding Korean food in New Zealand than we did in Seattle. I don't know if it's because of Ichiro or what, but it's all about Japan over there. You'd think a city with so much cold weather would embrace a good bowl of hot, steamy soontofu. But nooooo. This made feeding W quite difficult. Towards the end of our trip, we did find a Korean restaurant, in a Japanese shopping plaza, of all places. Needless to say, we went back several times.

I wasn't sure if we'd get any sleep during this vacation. Like I said, We've never slept in the same room as W before. But he did surprisingly great. Each day, we'd come back to the hotel, change into our pjs and slowly thaw out. Read a few Thomas books and hit the sack. I'd rub his belly and sing to him in the dark(this was something new for me). Then it was lights out for us, too. Honestly, I got soooo much sleep!!! Not only did we go to bed super early every night, we'd bring W into our bed in the morning and sleep another few hours! It was blissful. I slept to the point of grogginess. Happily groggy. The best was seeing W look out the window, eating his Cheerios and drinking his milk. Add the morning paper and you'd think he was grown man!

The very last night, W got sick. He kept waking up and we kept soothing him back to sleep. Then around 4 am, I realized he had a fever. A bad one. I felt like such a shithead. Poor guy was burning up and he just obediently went back to sleep every time we asked him to. Isn't that amazing? I think most babies would cry and cry because they don't feel well. Poor P had to take a cab to a drug store to get medicine. Even though W was feeling like crap, he was still great on the plane ride home. He even fell asleep in my arms! It's been a few days since we got back and W is still sick.

Even though our trip ended on a sad note, I'm so grateful we got a chance to go. We REALLY needed a vacation. A change of scenery. We never have babysitters or leave W with the grandparents. NEVER EVER EVER! We've only been away from W for one night for few hours, and that was when he was already asleep. We've missed weddings, out of town visits, family gatherings, you name it, we've been MIA. We could drag our baby around at night with us, just so we could get out. We could dump him off on others, just so we could have some personal time or party with friends. But P and I share the same philosophy. It's just a few years of sacrifice before our baby doesn't need us this way anymore. I can't get this time back. That's what I always hear. Enjoy them when they're this little. Enjoy I will! W will never be this little or this precious again. So I don't mind giving up my time for him. And I think it's paying off. He really is a good boy. His patience and demeanor during our trip was proof of that.

We're so proud of you!!!! Mummy and daddy love you very much!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

It's nuts!

My baby is almost 17 months old!!! It's getting to a point where I have to think for moment each time someone asks me his age. Each day he walks a little faster, which, of course, means he falls just as much, if not more. Is it weird if I put a helmet on the kid? He talks with more assertion(bossy, is more like it) and his range of emotion grows each day. In fact, he doesn't shut up. Boy, does he have a lot to say!! LOL!! His sense of humor is awesome, too. He giggles so much now, I call him the laughing idiot. He walks up to strangers, points at them, and starts cracking up. Any other age, this would be considered extremely rude, right? But luckily, everyone plays along and does whatever they can to keep the laughs coming.

I used to be the one doing all the entertaining. Not anymore! He dances, he plays peekaboo, and he LOVES being chased. His favorite thing is to stick his foot in my face and say "ah. ah." See, I used to bite his stinky feet. They're like marshmallows with little sausage toes! How can I not! And now he taunts me with it. Go ahead, mom. Try and bite me now. So cute. He even tries to play with Bug, but that dog doesn't have a clue. Sigh.

Of course, along with the laughs come the tantrums. Well, he hasn't had a tantrum yet. He just makes a really loud yelp and kicks his legs a couple of times. Then he just stares at me to see what I'm going to do. I'm not really sure how to deal with this (yes, I've ordered books) and I'm trying really hard not to be the kind of parent my dad was. Instead of rushing to anger and assuming threats are the way to go, I'd much rather just be patient and let my son know that I get it. Life sucks right now and I just feel like flaying my limbs about. Got it. I totally know how that feels. In fact, P has footage of me doing this very thing in college. Yeah, you heard me. College. You're never to old to throw a tantrum...in private.

For the most part, W is growing up to be such a little stud. He's my charmer and I'm so proud of him everyday. I get how my mom has been able to be my mom for the past 34 years. I'm not easy. I know this. But she has always handled it with a smile. Literally smiling. Because I'm HER baby. And no matter what I do, she's proud of me and she can't NOT love me enough. It's a pretty powerful feeling and it's something I pray will stay with me until the day I die.

He's such a trooper, too. Our little household decided to take turns getting sick. REAL sick. We all got that stomach bug that's been going around. Yuck. Diarrhea would've been great. But add some projectile vomiting and you get a front row seat to our house a couple of weeks ago. OMG. Poor guy slept fine, and we found him just sitting in his own poop in his crib the next morning. He had no appetite, which is like.....unprecedented for him. Scare the shit out of me. And then he popped a cheerio in his mouth, decided it was nasty, and let the projectile vomiting begin. It was soooo sad to see. I didn't have it as bad. Small mercies. I would not have been able to survive that day if P didn't stay home that morning. My hero!

A couple of days later, all is well except W is still not hungry and is now addicted to Pedialyte. Damn you! orange-flavored Pedialyte! Oh. And it was now P's turn to pay homage to the porcelain gods. After a couple of days of hell, he decided to suffer from a cold as well. Which is what my body decided to catch a few days after that. AHHHHH!!!! And I'm pretty sure W has a mild cold right now, although, it's hard to tell because he acts like his jolly self. How do I know he's sick then?? Because I suction a booger from his nose that's about a mile long. That's not normal, is it?

We're all better now, thanks for asking. I'm glad we got sick, though. Hopefully, we've built just enough immunity to carry us through our upcoming trip. While most people get away to warmer climates during the winter, we've decided that wet, dreary Seattle would be better. LOL!! Actually, we love it there and I'm so excited to take W on his first trip! I'm pretty sure I'll lose a ton of sleep and the rainy forecast will challenge me like no other. But it's small price to pay for our first family getaway! Now if I can just convince P that our son needs galoshes.

Some of my friends are thinking about #2. Some of them are already carrying them! Where do we stand on this issue. No comment. I've heard how much harder it is with two children. I try not to imagine but it's hard not to. After a little hyperventilating, I convince myself, I only have one right now. My biggest fear isn't the challenge of having two children. My fear is having a horrible pregnancy like before and having to change one of W's doodoo diapers!! Most parents have to stick their noses in their kids butts to see if they pooed. I can smell his poo from another room! How awful would it be to throw up on him while he's lying there! Shooting stars. Birthday candles. Wishbones. I only ask that this next pregnancy be an easy one. PLEASE!

What the heck is this stuff? And why are these kids so happy to be covered in it? Yuck!

This sand stuff, it's not coming off. Quick. Do something mommy!

Party Time!!!

It was a beautiful celebration for a beautiful little girl! We headed to the OC again for A's first birthday. Unlike all other birthday babies (including W), A didn't cry at her party. What a trooper! A's mommy and daddy did a fantastic job, it was so girly and "sweet." Loved it!!!

According to Auntie J, the bakers didn't comply with any of her instructions. Well, they're Korean!!! Of course, they didn't listen!!! Not to knock on my own people, but honestly, we give new meaning to the phrase "selective hearing." But who can tell? The cake was pretty and, more importantly, it was yummy!!

Look at that face. Look at those eyes. Her dad is gonna have a hard time saying no to this one.

Like I said, she's a happy one. I can't remember that last time I was giggly about a spoon. Sigh.

Um, ladies. Focus, please. I know she's cute but we gotta get this picture.

There we go.

This is M, same age as the birthday girl. And suuuuper cute! He and W had a real good man-to-man talk, over some Cheerios and water.

Here's P, cheeks galore! Oh my gosh. It was a struggle to not bite them. She's so friendly...it makes her daddy worry! LOL!!!

And the most handsomest little boy of all, my W. He was so good! Sigh. I'm so in love.

Awwww....daddies' little girls. Gosh, that's hard to say.

"Dang, guurl, I like your bling!"

"And where did you get those shoes?? I've been looking for a pair just like them!!"

"Hi, how are you?"

"Um....uh....hang on."

"Mooooommy!!!!! She talked to me!!! I don't like girls!!"

"What'd I say?"

Wardrobe change. This was the most gorgeous hambok I've ever seen! A's grandma got it in Korea and was first worn by her 8-year-old cousin. What a nice heirloom, right?

I know, takes your breath away.

What did A choose? Money, money , MONEY!!! Smart girl.

She dabbled with all the objects, but this picture is just to show you how beautiful the embroidery is on her hambok.

Like a bride and her bridesmaids.

Don't look now, Uncle E, but I do believe your daughter is checking my little man out! Hahaha!! Don't be mad, E, she can't resist his "sexy eyes." LOL!!! Someone else's words, not mine. I swear.

I don't know what got into W. Normally he doesn't let anyone hold him. Who are you and what did you do with my son!!!??

Uncle H could not get enough of our cutie. He alternated watching the football game and playing with W. My W is irresistable, I tell ya.

No, seriously, you're just feeling social today, aren't you?

Did you fellas ever think you'd be taking a photo like this?? Your all growns up!

LMFAO!

P and I love us a good episode of AFV (America's Funniest Videos). We saw this a few years ago and have been hunting for it ever since. I remember having major stomach pains from laughing so hard. When I first saw this on TV, I remember thinking how hilarious that little girl's reaction was. Now, I still think that BUT I also think, "Please, God, don't let W be that kid who sneezed!"

Christmas 2011

What a year!!! I can't believe we're entering a new year with Wes. When will it sink in that we have a son?! I watch him play and flip through his books, and it hits me like mack truck...OMG, I'm a mom! What!? And this is my son!! This insanely cute little human being is mine and I'm his. Seriously?!?! Life couldn't possibly get better than this, could it? I have so much to be thankful for. Life is great because God is great.

This was my first real tree!! We've always had those fake plastic ones due to my dad's allergies. But in our new home, a real tree was the only way to go. Wes kept flicking the ornaments around. I told him to stop and he decided that flicking them harder would make me happy. Punk.

Remember this place? We didn't take Bug with us this time :( But my SIL came along...and of course, W! We were so excited to show him this magical place.

We hosted Christmas at our house this year. Our table was too small and we still had unpacked boxes in our dining room. We had just finished staining our bookcase so the house smelled all chemically. But it was sooo much fun! My SIL loves Whole Foods. I'm talking LOVES that place! So, we had a Whole Foods Christmas. Everything was store-prepared and bought. (Thank you, Auntie C!) All we had to do was heat it up and plate it. Wonderful!! And the turkey, OMG. It was the most delicious, moist turkey I've ever had!!! Everything was so yummy!!! My MIL made a bunch of yummy sides and my mom made her traditional pumpkin cake. YUM!!!

We finally got to use our wedding China! P chose it, good taste, eh?

When I'm not looking, my mom will feed W anything and everything. Makes me crazy but if it weren't for her, I'd probably still be feeding him rice cereal. W was eating smoked Gouda and he loved it. Who knew.

Presents!!!! Tissue paper...toss.

Clothes...toss.

More clothes...toss.

Box...toss. This went on for a little bit.

Here's grandpa giving W his Christmas card.

And here's W giving it right back. LOL!

We went to Downtown Disney a few days later...you know..as a warm up to the real thing! Can't wait!!!

W's grandparents were determined to buy him a toy while were there and they ended up getting his a giant box of Legos! A classic toy that I loved as a kid. I can't wait until W plays with them, too! I'm sure I'll twist an ankle from tripping on them, but a small price for this awesome toy!

Walk like a man, my son.

Right now, it's a couple hours until 2012. I'm sitting at home with my P and Bug. We have watched the ball drop on TV for many years now and though it was unintentional, it has become a tradition I love. I guess the homebody in me will always love any occasion that requires me to stay home. Keke.

I'm curious to know what this new year will bring. I just pray that my family stays healthy and happy. Everything else is just icing on the cake. HAPPY NEW YEAR AND GOD BLESS!!!